Last week’s horoscope will remain in effect until further notice due to the death of Gemini supervisor Ron Wu.
A bizarre incident involving a bullwhip and an unusually strong over-the-counter laxative results in your having to make a heartfelt apology to a rickshaw driver.
Award-winning South African author Nadine Gordimer will approach you in your bathroom and recommend a different brand of dental floss.
Your prized collection of
You can hear them talking about you, even if they don’t think you can hear them. Don’t let them get any of your precious cookies! Don’t let them!
During the moon’s transit of Virgo, you should be thinking in terms of pan-fried walleye, fresh wild rice with snow peas, and corn on the cob.
If you shave your eyebrows while Mars is still in Libra’s third quadrant, it will make you irresistible to calligraphy enthusiasts.
You will be the envy of all Ireland when the King of the Leprechauns chooses you to replace the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Congratulations on 15 straight years of breathing through a snorkel.
Gourmet
You will be desired by teenagers everywhere after being remixed by DJ Shadow.
Though you have the technology necessary to make a delicious lemon cake, you will not have the wisdom to share it peacefully.
