You will be denied auto insurance due to a seventh major moving violation this week. Become a spaceship pilot.
Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local Ford dealer.
Your worth is finally proven when firefighters burst into your blazing apartment and save your puffy-sticker collection, leaving you to die.
Do not let yourself become known in your community as the one who dresses up in a monkey suit and climbs the water tower.
Cure your chronic womanizing by retiring to the kitchen to practice Osterizing.
A trip to the Orient gets off to a bad start when you discover that ’Sucky, fucky, one-two-three” is not Japanese for “More sake, please.”
Become a better parent. Purchase a coffee mug emblazoned with the phrase, “World’s Greatest Parent.”
You will achieve your lifelong dream of being fondled by a blind man when you burn William Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury into your skin in braille.
Months of pain and suffering will be your lot after you cast aspersions on Hank Williams Jr.’s ancestry in a Louisiana honky-tonk.
Many of your problems indicate that you need to become more firmly grounded. Ask a friend to nail you to the floor.
All your troubles come to a end when you discover that Gordon’s gin is an adequate replacement for love.
You will be the envy of all your friends this week when Parent magazine names you one of America’s 10 best cities in which to raise children.
