An awkward social situation arises when Bob Hope’s ghost materializes at your wedding and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead.
It’s been a rough week for everyone at your workplace. Try to lighten everyone’s burden a little with a friendly exchange of hostages.
You will become the focus of national loathing this week when famed and beloved “Little Person” Billy Barty is killed by your brand new 20-foot-high electric fence.
Your lifelong battle with genital odor will be won this week, thanks to the twin miracles of wire brushes and lye.
Venus ascendant in your sign means increased romantic opportunity. You will once more be hit by a bus attempting to screw anything that moves.
A show of humility is in order after it is demonstrated that you cannot, in fact, stop a rapidly spinning drill bit with your lips.
Trouble with authority figures is possible for Libra in early September. Don’t try to tell the judge any “Old switcheroo” style jokes about your drunken low rider/high chair incident.
Your religious faith is shaken to its foundations when a new translation of the Bible asks you to Praise The Lard.
The first of the month can mean but one thing for the Sagittarius. It is time once more to double your intake of prescription medicine.
The entire Southern region of the United States will fall in love with you overnight as you accidentally win three straight stock car races.
Jupiter in your sign means obstacles ahead. Continue wearing your crash helmet to bed.
An eerie sense of doom enters your mealtimes as the fortune cookie people continue their vendetta against you.
