The Transportation Security Administration has released a new report with recommendations for improving security at airports around the nation. Here are the TSA’s planned upgrades:
Agents will earn passengers’ trust by performing random screenings and pat downs on themselves throughout the day
Security checkpoint agents must now make scribbles on tickets horizontally instead of vertically
Gun-carrying privileges restricted to Platinum Club members or higher
All Auntie Anne’s employees will be instructed to keep their eyes peeled for anything weird
Prior to takeoff, the captain will more effectively prepare passengers for any potential emergency situations by listing off his greatest weaknesses as a pilot
As part of a more comprehensive training program, agents will be required to attend daily lectures on global geopolitical history in order to better understand the root causes of terrorism
Passengers who claim to have lost their ticket and ID will no longer be allowed to board certain flights
Anyone aged 14 to 78 prohibited from flying
