Find cool, secluded aisle at Walgreens and generously slather on any of the wide variety of moisturizers available on the shelves
Place body in cool, dark hole under 5 to 6 feet of dirt
For true pain relief, morphine is really the only way to go, or obviously heroin if you can get it
Dip skin into a bath of beaten egg and then coat rest of surface in protective bread crumbs, which will keep your body moist and juicy with a nice crunch
Sharing a bed may be uncomfortable, so divorce your spouse
Reduce any epidermal redness by applying a thick layer of white acrylic or eggshell latex paint
Stay hydrated with a scalding shower or by pouring a tea kettle of boiling water over sunburned areas while soaking in a jacuzzi
Sunburn can be incredibly painful, so make sure to allow the skin to heal and avoid directly touching the sun
Take an over-the-counter pain reliever, but make sure to consume all of the packaging for the full effect
Come to the realization that your burns will never truly heal and that this is just what your life is like now
Tell your loved ones goodbye and hang yourself
