The Vatican’s College of Cardinals will use an arcane, centuries-old process to select the next pope when it convenes the papal conclave this week. Here is the step-by-step guide to how the new pontiff will be chosen:
Step 1: Thorough background check ensures no candidate has previously been pope
Step 2: Candidates bare teeth and display genitals for judges to inspect
Step 3: Each cardinal asked to explain the difference between Jesus and God
Step 4: Transubstantiation lightning round
Step 5: Each candidate must stay the entire night in underground crypt to prove bravery
Step 6: Holy Spirit trust falls
Step 7: Cardinals hold election; in the event of a tie, the Vatican disbands and Catholicism is abolished
Step 8: Newly elected pope walks in a counterclockwise circle seven times to prove he’s not the devil
Step 9: Pontiff goes into a private room to have his portrait drawn; the first portrait is a serious one and the second is a fun one
