Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the widely anticipated latest generation of the iPhone at a press event Wednesday. Here are some of the new device’s features:
Says things when you touch it, just like a real person
Adjustable hand-strap
Siri tunelessly hums when left alone for too long
Plaid
Makes a sighing noise whenever it passes older iPhones
Frictionless no-grip casing eases transition from hand to floor
Can hammer nails
Is pathetic piece of shit compared to the iPhone 6
