Dear Voice-Over From
I recently moved to Florida from Minnesota for my career, and I’m very unhappy. My job is fine, and the weather here is beautiful, but the people are really different from what I’m used to. To make a long story short, I’m having trouble finding a Florida man with good old-fashioned Midwestern values. Should I move back, or should I tough it out and learn to adjust?
—Confused In Coral Gables
Dear Confused,
Well, it sure is lookin’ like a beautiful day in Hazzard, the little town where any old thing can happen… and usually does. Today, though, Hazzard’s as quiet as a cat in socks. The sun is out, the sky is blue, and the Hazzard Ladies Auxiliary is lookin’ prettier than ever. Daisy’s busy as any beehive makin’ her famous huckleberry pie, Ol’ Cooter done gone and fell asleep while workin’ under Uncle Jesse’s truck again, Sheriff Roscoe is giving out phony parking tickets, and the Duke boys, Bo and Luke, are makin’ this month’s farm mortgage payment at the Bank of Hazzard. But, uh-oh… what’s this here? Fetch a look over yonder. It’s that low-down mean ol’ Boss Hogg putting somethin’ in the General Lee, something that looks a powerful lot like bank bags. If I was them poor Duke boys, I’d get a-ready for some slick shuckin’.
Dear Voice-Over From
I love him, but my boyfriend is the worst dresser! He only has about three shirts he actually wears, and they’re all worn out and faded. Now, he’s in line for a possible promotion at work, and I think it’s time to whip his wardrobe into shape. I don’t expect him to become a fashion plate, but I do think having a neat and professional appearance counts in the eyes of an employer… and a girlfriend. Don’t you agree?
—Exasperated In El Paso
Dear Exasperated,
Now, mind you, blowin’ up the Boar’s Nest outhouse was the dirtiest thing them Duke boys ever pulled besides a plow, but doggone if it weren’t necessary. Sure, it made a bar full of good ol’ boys madder than a weasel in a gum-bush, and pretty near scorched the skivvies right off of poor ol’ Deputy Wilbur Fudge, but there’s more than plain meanness to this here deal. In fact, in all the ruckus, I reckon no one noticed Daisy switchin’ the counterfeit money bags on poor ol’ Enos–and it’s an unusual day in Hazzard County when a body don’t notice the finest legs in Georgia. I guess dynamite in the two-holer does get folks’ attention right quick. Ain’t them boys slick?
Dear Voice-Over From
I’m what you’d call a “neatnik.” I like to have absolutely everything in its place. Problem is, the woman I love (I’ll call her “Nicole”) is the kind of person who can’t be bothered to shelve books, rack CDs, or keep files organized. And now she wants us to move in together! How can I get her to change before she drives me nuts?
—Organized In Orchard Park
Dear Organized,
Look out, Bo! That low-down snake-belly-mean Sheriff Roscoe done set him up one of his genuine impenetrable roadblocks across Possum Gulch! And if them federal boys catch you with Boss Hogg’s funny money in the General Lee, you can forget about havin’ any of Daisy’s huckleberry pie for a while. And what’s this? Seems some ol’ body left his farm wagon up against the gulch all tilted-like. Now, can any y’all guess what ol’ Bo is thinkin’ right about now? Stay set, folks, and we’ll see if Luke manages to break himself into jail… and if Bo here ever comes down.
The Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask The Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.
