New Archaeological Find Suggests Mary Magdalene Was Actually A Size 12

NAZARETH, ISRAEL—Archaeologists excavating the ruins of an early-first-century dwelling this week announced the discovery of the remnants of a tunic thought to have belonged to Mary Magdalene, a garment that suggests the biblical figure was a larger-than-expected size 12. “While scholarly interpretations of the Apocrypha have long held that Mary Magdalene was a size six or size eight, this new evidence indicates that the most celebrated female follower of Jesus was, in fact, a bit curvier,” said Amos Rafaelli, an archaeologist at Haifa University, who added that a worldwide meeting of biblical scholars would convene in Rome next month to discuss Mary Magdalene’s figure, her sense of style, and how she may have worn her hair. “Additionally, further analysis of the garment suggests that she wore unflattering cuts that didn’t work for her at all, and bland, neutral colors that definitely didn’t pop. This truly changes our entire perspective on Mary Magdalene.” Rafaelli added that more research would be needed to determine if the braided rope belt and sandals found within proximity of the garment would have pulled her outfit together or made her look super trashy.