FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs

WASHINGTON—The FBI is asking any Americans with information about the eating habits, top speed, fighting abilities, or other general-interest knowledge of cheetahs to contact them immediately in return for a $1 million reward. “Cheetahs seem really awesome, and we know there are Americans out there who can help us figure out if a cheetah would win in a 100-meter race against a 1998 Yamaha Virago,” said FBI Director Robert Mueller, who paused to ask reporters several times during the course of his statement whether they knew if a cheetah would be able to beat a water buffalo in a fight. “Like, if it really wanted to, could a cheetah cut down a tree with its claws? That would be so fucking sweet.” The FBI stressed that finding out more about cheetahs will be the Bureau’s top priority until they know how wide a canyon a cheetah could jump over going full speed with no wind.