Poll: Support For Afghanistan War Up Among Americans Who Love Horrible Situations

WASHINGTON—According to the results of a Gallup poll conducted last month, support for the U.S. occupation of Afghanistan has surged among Americans who absolutely adore horrible situations. “Overall, there was a 95 percent approval rating among citizens who hope to deal with their child being kidnapped some day,” Gallup representative Wendy Timmins said Wednesday, adding that the conflict was particularly popular among individuals looking forward to undergoing chemotherapy treatments for pancreatic cancer. “We also found a massive overlap between those who support the war and those who said they enjoyed having their homes foreclosed on, carbon-monoxide poisoning enthusiasts, and people open to the idea of having needles shoved into their own eyes.” In sharp contrast to these findings, Gallup released another poll showing that talk of troop withdrawal had led to a sharp decline of support for the White House’s Afghanistan policy among people who enjoy intractable conundrums.