TWIN FALLS, ID—In one of nature’s most stirring and mysterious rituals, human male Michael Forrester journeyed back to his place of birth Monday in order to pair off, reproduce, and ensure the propagation of his species.
The 670-mile-long voyage, one almost as old as time itself, began late last week. According to sources, the adult male left his studio apartment in downtown San Francisco and—overcoming a series of challenging obstacles—returned to Twin Falls, ID, the town where he himself was spawned 28 years ago.
“Each year thousands of men are drawn back, as if by instinct alone, to their native breeding grounds,” said Jeremy Weinblatt, a professor of social sciences at Reed College in Portland, OR. “Defying all odds, these astounding creatures are able to find the exact location of their hometown, often without the use of driving directions, a roadside map, or pulling over at a gas station to ask for assistance.”
With his readiness to mate signaled by a loss of hair around the crown and a swelling of the abdomen, Forrester set out on his arduous trek early Thursday morning. As he left the coast and traveled inland, the sexually mature male navigated his way through a complex system of interconnected streets onto an adjoining highway headed north.
Throughout the first leg of his journey, the nearly 200-pound man reportedly sustained his strength by foraging on any available foodstuffs, including a McDonald’s cheeseburger and a 10-piece container of chicken nuggets. Abandoning both work and school to make this final trip back to his ancestral home, Forrester—like his father, grandfather, and older cousin Brian before him—deftly avoided the snare of roadside attractions to reach Twin Falls before summer’s end.
Even seemingly insurmountable hurdles, such as the lack of “decent radio stations” to help pass the time, a deflated back tire, and an array of confusing highway signs, were no match for the virile human. His biological desire to mate was stronger now than ever.
“Human males are perhaps the most resilient and single-minded of all organisms on the planet,” said Dr. David Wright, a biologist and professor at Kent State University in Kent, OH. “No distance is too great, no barrier too high when it comes to passing on their genetic makeup. They always find a way to persevere.”
Added Wright, “Just ask my wife.”
As the adult male entered the last leg of his incredible voyage, hundreds of human females—many of whom had spent their entire lives anticipating this very courtship—had already begun to make the necessary preparations back home. Displaying exotic markings on their lower back, and a deep shade of red around the oral cavity, the females were also observed to secrete an alluring, lavender-scented musk to encourage the coupling.
Along with dozens of other excited males, Forrester reached the entrance of Twin Falls late Monday night. Though exhausted by his perilous journey, the 28-year-old was spurred onward by the sight of several ovulating women who had gathered along the fringes of town.
Locating a pleasing specimen at a nearby watering hole, Forrester reportedly gauged the width of her hips, the sheen and luster of her hair, and how much alcohol she had already consumed before choosing his partner for procreation. Once initial contact was made and their shared interest in music discussed, the two humans were ready to reproduce.
A passionate and sensual dance, the human mating ritual is performed thousands of times each year, from the rolling hills of California to the lowly motel rooms of New York state. According to experts, Forrester initiated the seductive dance by rapidly shedding his outer coverings, jutting his tongue out in a broad, wagging motion, and maneuvering his sweat-covered midsection above that of the human female.
After emitting a series of aural signals, including half a dozen forceful grunts, the red-faced male reportedly discharged a stringy and translucent fluid, thereby fertilizing his partner’s reproductive tract.
“It’s beautiful,” said one nearby observer who wished to remain anonymous. “I never tire of watching these majestic creatures breed.”
Over the course of the next few months, the fertilized female will ready herself for the eventual birth of her offspring. After procuring a larger, more comfortable nest, she will store several layers of fat to help speed up incubation and, in order to secure the constant attention of her mate, will alternate between crying and laughing until the moment of delivery. The inseminated female will also shriek several times a day about how her partner’s family should pay for the upcoming wedding in full, though the biological purpose behind this ritual is unknown.
His genetic lineage now ensured, Forrester starts a new and incredible journey of his own. The adult male, who traveled hundreds of miles just weeks before, begins to die on the inside. Slowly and surely, until he is nothing more than a brittle husk—one filled with resentment, regret, and a longing for the time before he married the first woman who came along.
But then, that’s nature’s way.
