MINNEAPOLIS—Yogurt manufacturer Yoplait unveiled its new line of Texas-style yogurt Tuesday, which they say is designed to satisfy even the hungriest man’s voracious craving for acidified milk product.
“Open wide, boys, there’s a new yogurt in town,” the company’s press release read in part. “After a long day of driving steers and drilling for oil, we know the only thing capable of satisfying your hunger is a whole mess of creamy yogurt with all the fixin’s.”
“Whether you’re a tough guy, a badass, or a stone-cold sonofabitch, this is the yogurt for you,” it continued.
Yoplait representatives said that each 64-ounce container will feature the meanest, grittiest, and heartiest fruits, including rough-and-tumble hunks of peaches, strawberries, and bananas. In addition, every serving will reportedly contain enough rich and velvety vanilla flavor to kill a full-grown buffalo.
“This ain’t like those sissy yogurts you find out there today,” Yoplait president and CEO Gerry J. Doutre told reporters while spitting out a mouthful of half-chewed Cactus Crème Caramel into a brass spittoon. “A feller’s got to eat six or seven of them just to break a sweat, and even then he’s still got the hunger chawin’ at his insides.”
“A real man needs a real yogurt, and now he done got one,” Doutre added. “Yeeeeeeeeeeeeee-haaaaaw! Now available in white-chocolate raspberry!”
In a break from the company’s traditional pink- and peach-colored flowers and gentle, sweeping fonts, the new Texas-style packaging design features a red-hot letter-Y cattle brand, various shades of brown, and images of longhorn skulls, rattlesnakes, and lassos.
A nationwide marketing campaign of television commercials, print ads, and billboards is scheduled to debut this week. One 30-second commercial shows a rugged cowboy on horseback driving cattle and ripping the lid off a yogurt container to the resounding crack of a bullwhip. As he tries to spoon out the yogurt, his utensil snaps, causing him to stare despondently into the cup until a gruff older cowboy rides up and hands him a ladle from his saddlebag. Another ad depicts a Texas Ranger in a high-speed chase with a man in a stolen car, whom he runs off the road, catches on foot, wrestles to the ground, and arrests. A fellow Ranger arrives moments later and tosses him a cup of Musky Blueberry Blast, which he guzzles before wiping his brow and throwing the suspect in the back of his patrol car.
According to Yoplait brand manager Cynthia Langley, all 12 of the hootin’ hollerin’ varieties in the new line are intended for good ol’ boys, and not for city slickers who “can’t hold their yogurt.”
“Our new Healthy Choices Texas-Style Low-Fat Yogurt is so thick it takes a 200-pound coal miner five whole minutes to mix it all up,” said Langley, adding that 65 percent of men are not even man enough to remove the leather lid. “If you don’t want your muscles to ache and your hands to get all mussed up with pure organic apricot, you might as well settle for some sorry New York City excuse for a custard-like snack.”
Langley stressed that, besides being incredibly masculine and reminding men of wandering free on an open plain, the Texas-style yogurt also contains a heaping helping of health benefits, including 300 percent of the recommended annual value of phosphorus, twice the needed antioxidants, and enough vitamin A to throw a man 30 feet through the air.
Early response from buckaroos, ranch hands, renegades, and tycoons has been favorable.
“When I eat yogurt, I want a meal,” said Clint Baker, an El Paso, TX ranch owner. “But I need something soothing—my gut ain’t so tolerant of lactose.”
Yoplait’s latest offering has already reportedly prompted competitors to develop their own similar products. The yogurt industry swirled with rumors last week that Dannon was planning to roll out a new two-fisted version of their Light And Fit brand, while Stonyfield Farm was said to be close to completing testing on its new Yogurt For Welders.
