MIAMI—Former MLB star and admitted steroid user Jose Canseco extended an informal invitation Monday to over 500 current and former professional baseball players, requesting their presence at his house this coming weekend for his annual steroid party.
“Hey guys, big steroid bash at my place,” Canseco said while handing out flyers at a Toronto Blue Jays spring training intrasquad game. “Nothing too fancy, just a bunch of guys, hanging out, taking steroids. Tell your friends.”
The party is historically an extravagant affair, usually featuring women in bikinis carrying silver trays of various types of anabolic steroids, four VIP suites upstairs where guests can sample steroids from Canseco’s personal collection, a giant 40-foot-tall ice syringe filled with Dianabol, oil paintings of steroids on the walls, a keg of steroids, a disco ball, and a punch bowl spiked with steroids.
“Let me break it down for you: food, babes, steroids,” said Canseco, leaning over the outfield fence of Dunedin Stadium, to Blue Jays centerfielder Vernon Wells. “Any steroid you want. Winstrol-Stanozolol, Deca-Durabolin, Sustanon, Anadrol, you name it. I even got some exotic steroids from South America, and I might bust out my own special homemade steroid blend. Oh, and if everyone chips in $5, I might get a steroid fountain. It’s gonna be sweet.”
“Imagine taking steroids all night long, how cool that would be,” said Canseco, trying to get the attention of right-fielder Alex Rios. “Then multiply that by 100. That’s how much this party’s going to rule.”
According to colored flyers for “Jose’s 22nd Annual Roid-Fest” featuring block-lettered words reading “Music,” “Cool!” “Steroids,” “Awesome,” and “Injections,” the event will take place at Canseco’s four-acre lakefront mansion in Fort Lauderdale. The event has been touted as a good chance for players to relax, try out some new steroids, bulk up before the season, meet other people who enjoy steroids, share steroid-related stories, and “just have fun.”
“Psst,” Canseco said to Tampa Bay Rays pitcher Scott Kazmir while he was warming up in the bullpen. “Hey Scott, hey man, Scott, hey Scott. Hey. Hey man, you wanna come over and take some steroids at my house Saturday? Everyone’s gonna be there. Free roids, man. Free roids. They’re good for you. It’ll be fun. Trust me. Steroid party. My place. Be there.”
Canseco said that the event will be catered, featuring hors d’oeuvres such as steroid-stuffed lobster puffs, mini steroid-burgers, and according to Canseco, “a big steroid cake filled with steroids.” Bowls of pretzels, testosterone cypionate, and Cheetos will be situated in the house and by the pool, and will be replenished throughout the night.
“There will be a hot tub out back filled with steroids, and then we’ll go in it and eat all the steroids, and then we’ll fill it back up with hot water,” Canseco said. “Then we’ll sit in the hot tub, talk about steroids and stuff, have some laughs, do some steroids, whatever. Then these hot girls in string bikinis will come into the hot tub and do steroids with us. Perfect end to a perfect evening.”
For entertainment, there will be a variety of games, including “Steroid Twister,” “Guess That Steroid”—a game in which blindfolded guests must correctly identify the type of steroid that they just ingested—and something that Canseco only described as everyone dropping their pants and injecting steroids into each other’s buttocks.
“Ever try a cherry steroid spritzer?” Canseco reportedly said to Cardinals first-baseman Albert Pujols Tuesday. “It’s like a wine spritzer, but with steroids. Come on, come to my house. If you come, everyone will come. You didn’t come last year. You owe me.”
“One thing, though: At the end of the night, we all have to pose for a big group photo,” Canseco added. “We can do one where we’re all doing goofy poses and wearing silly hats and stuff, since we’ll all be in such a good mood on account of all the steroids. But then we have to do a more serious one, where everyone looks straight ahead at the camera.”
Most players said they would attend.
“I guess I’ll go,” said Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada. “[Canseco] kind of creeps me out, though. He’s always writing stuff down and trying to talk to me about how to ’cycle’ and ’stack’ performance-enhancing drugs, but I have to hand it to the guy—he knows how to throw a steroid party.”
“Even though I most certainly do not use steroids, and I never have, and the mere thought is reprehensible, that steroid party should be a good time,” Tigers DH Gary Sheffield said. “Sometimes things get a little out of hand, like in 2003, when I lost my shit and almost killed a guy and then blacked out. But you know what they say—it’s not a steroid party till something gets broken.”
“Canseco’s steroid parties are always lame,” Pirates first-baseman Adam LaRoche said. “Last year when I showed up, all the steroids were already gone and it was just Jose Canseco, Sammy Sosa, and Rafael Palmeiro sitting on the couch, roided out of their minds, watching Mr. Baseball on TBS.”
Roger Clemens said that he would not be attending, but asked for directions to Canseco’s house just in case he has to drop by for a few minutes to pick up his wife.
