NEW YORK—The nation’s domestic forces are responding to the imminent arrival of pleasant weekend weather conditions by launching the largest coordinated surge on America’s outdoor recreation destinations in recent history, sources reported Thursday.
“For the sake of our loved ones and our way of life, we have a solemn duty to enjoy this beautiful weather to its maximum potential,” said Boston resident Ross Schneiderman, 37, a veteran of more than two dozen beautiful weekends since 1988. “So we intend to be ready to lock and load at the crack of dawn tomorrow.”
The multi-front offensive on parks, beaches, and public pools is scheduled to occur in three waves. First, families wanting to secure parking in close proximity to high-value picnic checkpoints will move out under cover of darkness. The second rush of citizens will rendezvous at strategically shady regions of public parks by mid-morning. Coastal weekend warriors will then begin storming the beaches, which should be filled to capacity by noon Saturday.
“It may mean sacrificing TV shows and even chores, but we cannot sit idly by as this gorgeous weather rolls in,” said Kansas City resident Chuck Dakin, 32, who has been monitoring both the Weather Channel and accuweather.com for relevant intelligence. “Plus, I found a great spot in Swope Park last week. If somebody gets there before us, things could get ugly.”
Key to the weekend mission’s success, strategists said, is the decisive beating of traffic, primarily through pre-dawn departures and the utilization of little-known back roads and top-secret shortcuts.
Residents are being advised to relieve themselves prior to travel, as pit stops can potentially slow an advance for hours, leaving dangerously little time for special operations like Frisbee throwing and badminton playing.
As millions of dedicated citizens mobilize, so, too, has American industry. U.S. manufacturers have stepped up production, both at home and in factories abroad, of baseball mitts, lounge chairs, bug spray, and balls of various shapes and sizes. America’s immense recreational-industrial complex, which distributes this vital materiel through supply lines that stretch from coast to coast, is considered essential to a successful weekend advance.
“We will not repeat our past mistakes, like not having enough juice boxes for the kids,” 43-year-old optometrist Will Russet said. “In retrospect, we were lucky to make it out of the last beautiful weekend with our household intact.”
San Francisco resident Stanley Grossman, 36, whose family unit is under orders to secure and occupy a barbecue pit in Golden Gate Park, warned his subordinates that the expedition will not be easy.
“The conditions out there are so unpredictable, you have to be ready for anything,” Grossman said. “So many factors are stacked against your having an enjoyable time that at some point you just have to say, ’To hell with it.’ Christ, the bugs alone will eat you alive.”
