WASHINGTON, DC—The Mysterious Congressman, whose flamboyant oratory and swashbuckling condemnations of greed and cynicism in modern politics have electrified Washington, announced Monday that he was considering a White House run in 2008.
“Noble citizens, hear me now!” said the enigmatic, masked Congressman (D–WI) from the dome of the nation’s Capitol Monday, his long cape cutting a dramatic silhouette against the rising moon as he addressed a crowd of mostly lawmakers and congressional staff. “Too long has a craven dullard and his moneyed masters made a mockery of our beloved and sacred Union. No more! For today I have of two dozen advisers good and true an advisory committee formed, which, along with my budget-restructuring plan and my program for funding education separately from property taxes, shall aid my bid to capture the very presidency!”
The Mysterious Congressman then made a seemingly death-defying leap from the dome and disappeared into the darkness to the fading sound of hoofbeats. Capitol police at the scene said he left only his trademark rose of red, white, and blue petals and a stack of “Mysterious Congressman For President” campaign flyers.
“His cry for freedom, glory, and responsible government was ringing in our very hearts,” congressional aide Melanie Kissler said. “For a moment, at least, I felt like so much more than a simple, oppressed Capitol intern living in desperate times. For a moment, I felt hope.”
The Mysterious Congressman has earned a distinctive reputation during his two terms in office, both for his promotion of responsible fiscal policy and civil rights issues, and for such unorthodox tactics as entering the Senate chambers by swinging on the chandeliers, and engaging in flashy, extended fencing matches with sinister congressmen found guilty of financial or professional misconduct. He is currently the only senator who casts votes via flaming arrow.
Yet the rakish lawmaker has proven himself not only daring but remarkably clever, as demonstrated by his talent for blocking Republican legislation with lengthy but seemingly effortless filibusters composed of witty, rhymed couplets.
The Mysterious Congressman is also famous for personally refusing sacks of special interest money, with the single exception of a 2004 incident, in which he accepted a hefty contribution from a defense-industry lobbyist, then scattered the money across a homeless encampment near his Senate office, to the speechless astonishment of the lobbyist.
Although the Congressman has only recently made his presidential aspirations public, various unnamed sources say his fund-raising began shortly before the new year. Potential financial backers allegedly found themselves whisked from their beds, blindfolded, transported in coaches through the dark streets of Washington, and then taken to a secret but well-appointed retreat, where the Congressman himself plied them with wine, rare victuals, and alluring promises of centrist policy shifts.
“It was a jolly evening of claret, quadrilles, and the most delicious banter this side of the Atlantic, yet I must confess I do not remember the night’s conclusion, save that the next morning I awoke once more in my own bed,” billionaire investor and philanthropist George Soros said. “I might have deemed it a most curious dream, but for the red velvet three-ring binder of position papers lying atop my bedclothes, and a discernable leavening of my coin satchel.”
Federal Election Commission sources said the Mysterious Congressman’s campaign bookkeeping appears to be legitimate and within guidelines, except for the fact that all his fees and surcharges have been paid in chests of Sacajawea coins.
Still, his political foes, most notably former Massachusetts Governor and fellow presidential candidate Mitt Romney, claim that the Congressman gives off “an odor most foul.”
“Why must the Mysterious Congressman, damn the scoundrel, campaign under the cover of darkness, if he be so virtuous?” Romney said. “Where be his plan for Iraq? And why, moreover, has he not shown his true face? For my part, I think him no more than a common highwayman, or some salacious kissing bandit with delusions of grandeur.”
In December, Romney became a laughingstock throughout the land when he, Karl Rove, and Rudy Giuliani were found bound together with bullwhips and suspended upside-down from an Alexandria, VA lamppost after their attempted ambush of the Congressman went awry.
Despite his secretive nature, the Mysterious Congressman has managed to excite some old-guard Democratic Party members about his presidential run.
“I would bank on the Mysterious Congressman to be a top contender up through the primaries,” strategist Madeline D’Orczy said. “He’s a fighter with a deft touch—remember that during his wiretapping debate with [Republican Senator] Sam Brownback on Meet The Press, he carved his objections on Brownback’s posterior without spilling a drop of his blood. Voters respect that.”
“Certainly there will be questions about his past,” liberal blogger Alex Dumah said. “After all, he is a mysterious caped-and-masked figure, and it’s well-known that mysterious caped-and-masked figures have shocking double identities that could undo them were they revealed. Still, the people of Wisconsin have seen fit to elect him over significant challengers twice now, so I don’t believe his dashing, elusive image will harm him in the end.”
