NEW YORK—Since acquiring his BlackBerry 8703c mobile device last month, asshole Robert McClain, 29, has reported vastly increased versatility, mobility, and off-site task-reassignment efficiency. The Credit Suisse executive and total shit claimed the new technology has opened more doors and become an absolutely indispensable tool for surviving in the “cut-throat world of high finance.”
“It’s amazing—I can make quicker phone calls, send more e-mails, and surf the web faster than ever, without being tied down to the office,” said the prick, who feels “disconnected from the world” if he does not have access to corporate communications for more than four minutes at any time throughout the day or night. “And it’s great for managing my schedule. Earlier today I booked a weekend flight to Vegas, set up a squash match with my buddy who works over at McKinsey, and skimmed some of [secretary] Gina [Wallach]’s e-mail requests for maternity leave, all while in line waiting for my wheatgrass shake.”
McClain said he “can’t imagine” life without his BlackBerry.
“The 8703c is the state of the art in handheld mobile personal electronics,” said McClain, who last week upgraded his 42-inch plasma TV to a larger unit and installed a wall-mounted humidor in his Manhattan condo. “It features built-in GPS turn-by-turn directions to any address, which I don’t really need since I usually take cabs or limos, but still. Plus, the sleeker, slimmer design allows me to carry it in my breast pocket without ruining the line of my suit.”
“And at just $499.99, I figured I should buy a second one to keep at my place in the Hamptons, just in case,” said the Princeton grad, who also recently “got a great deal” on a $300 digital picture frame at The Sharper Image which he loaded with photos of himself and various celebrities posing at a variety of New York nightclubs, and displayed it on his desk at work.
To his surprise, McClain has also been making extensive use of the handheld’s built-in speakerphone and conference-call capabilities.
“Now I don’t have to stop exercising just because I have a conference call to be on,” McClain said. “And because of the background noise-reduction filter, the other people on the call wouldn’t even know I was doing some heavy cardio if I weren’t so out of breath.”
McClain, a douchebag, first became familiar with the BlackBerry when they were issued to all members of his group in 2002. After becoming attached to the new technology, he soon found it necessary to purchase his own unit, which he recently upgraded for the sixth time.
His overall versatility has been so improved by the BlackBerry 8703c, in fact, that McClain “can’t believe [he] ever made do with a worthless piece of shit like [his previous BlackBerry model] the 7780.”
“That old monochrome screen was fucking garbage compared to this bad boy’s high-resolution brilliant-color interface, which enables viewing and storage of JPG, GIF, PNG, TIFF, Word, Excel, and Powerpoint files,” the unabashed asshole said. “I can pan, zoom, and rotate images—which I plan to do more of soon, if you know what I mean.”
“Pictures of women,” he added.
McClain said that thanks to the increased range and mobility offered by his BlackBerry, he is now able to assign work to junior analysts “all weekend” while gambling at the $100-minimum blackjack tables in Atlantic City.
The self-satisfied bastard also praised the wireless device’s multitasking capabilities. “It’s so versatile, you can actually check e-mail while taking a call, which comes in really handy when I want to do something productive, like checking my flight reservations for a weekend in the Dominican Republic, while I’m stuck listening to my parents drone on and on about their health problems.”
McClain, who attended a two-day seminar on mergers and acquisitions strategies in Boca Raton last month, maintains the most advantageous element of the BlackBerry 8703c is the way it gives him “a leg up on the competition.”
“Knowledge is power, so having instant access to the worldwide information networks gives me the advantage I need,” McClain said. “But in business, image matters too. So when people see me with the latest BlackBerry, and then they see [inferior colleague Brad] Tomlinson with his 6200 they recognize right away that I’m on the cutting edge and have the drive to get ahead, while he’s stuck in some fucking museum exhibit from 2003.”
“What a fucking dipshit that asshole is,” McClain added.
