LOS ANGELES—Just two weeks after settling on Adam Carolla as its next host, a Los Angeles–area hookworm whose lifecycle depends on the performance of the comic personality’s digestive system said it is beginning to question Carolla’s ability to stay fresh and produce consistent, quality nutrients on a daily basis.
“It doesn’t take much to be a decent host—you just have to sit there, generate a couple cell lines every few minutes, and let me systematically tunnel my way through your internal organs,” said the Necator americanus hookworm, a 10-millimeter-long nematode parasite of the Ancylostomatidae family, from Carolla’s small intestine Tuesday.
“I’ve been trying to suck the life out of Adam, but it’s difficult when there’s absolutely no life to work with,” it added.
The hookworm first came into contact with Carolla during his morning radio program, while Carolla was handling human fecal matter as part of a popular recurring segment on his show. The parasite immediately introduced itself into Carolla’s bloodstream, and underwent a weeklong “feeling-out process” in order to familiarize itself with Carolla’s circulatory system. In the following days, reports began to surface that the hookworm had officially attached itself to Carolla’s intestinal wall for the remainder of its project.
“At the time, Adam seemed like a perfect fit,” the hookworm said. “All I was looking for was some new blood—a personality that I could immediately latch onto, someone with a lot of energy that I can really feed off of.”
“Also, I figured that, with Carolla, my telltale symptoms—low-order cognitive impairment, a calloused rash on the palm of his right hand where I penetrated the skin, and mild itching and irritation of the anus—would go virtually unnoticed,” it added.
Yet the hookworm would soon express regret for choosing the “first host [it] found,” wishing that it had followed its original plan of overseeing a long and more thorough selection process.
According to the hookworm, nearly everything that crosses Carolla’s lips is either bland, disgusting, or completely and utterly tasteless.
“His bodily instincts are way off, he has no idea how to keep the juices flowing smoothly in his digestive tract, and even his best cell material is weak,” said the hookworm, who was warned by a tapeworm that tried out Carolla as a host from 2002 to 2003 that he is “an acquired taste.”
“His timing and delivery of antigens seem forced and almost totally random, and he never reacts to any of the simple metabolic waste products I’m constantly feeding him. And they’re good, solid metabolic waste products, too,” it said.
The hookworm also assailed Carolla’s “predictable” routine.
“Every time I burrow a hole through his stomach lining, I can sense the same tired, worn-out immune-system response coming from a mile away,” said the parasite, who was similarly critical of Carolla’s inability to endure three or four hours of host duties “without just falling flat on his face.”
“I never thought I would say this, but after having to interact with Adam Carolla for two months, I long for the days when I was living in human shit,” it said.
The parasite, however, hinted that Carolla would likely “not last very long” as a host, noting that it had perforated Carolla’s lungs, blocked blood flow to his liver, triggered a massive iron deficiency, depressed his immune system, and destroyed blood cells at such a rapid rate that Carolla is beginning to display early symptoms of aplastic anemia.
“I think it’s safe to say that he’ll be gone by December,” the hookworm said.
