Satan Depressed All Weekend After Man Opts Out Of Casino Trip

UNCASVILLE, CT—Satan, The Father Of Lies, suffered a dispiriting blow Saturday, when potential sinner Jeffrey Kremer chose to forgo a soul-polluting trip to the Mohegan Sun Resort Casino, The Prince Of Darkness said Monday. “I had hoped that the allure of the bright lights and the promise of instant wealth would tempt Kremer into the mortal sin of avarice,” a despondent Lucifer said. “Alas, he told his friends that he felt like spending the day hanging out around the house, instead of joining them at the casino. Curses!” Satan said he hopes that Kremer will at least watch softcore pornography on cable before the week is over.