Freak Accident Paralyzes Man From Waist Up

MESA, AZ—A bizarre, unprecedented spinal injury sustained in a car accident Saturday has left local resident Roberto Montenegro paralyzed from the waist up. “Roberto is back on his feet,” said Mesa General Hospital head of surgery William Crist. “Unfortunately, though, he has lost all feeling in his head, arms and torso. No longer able to move from the waist up, he cannot eat, speak, dial a telephone, type, open doors, or look sideways.” Doctors said Montenegro should be able to resume his career as a professional soccer player as early as next week.