Aries | March 21 to April 19
Remember: While faith can move mountains, only religion is capable of making you feel guilty for doing so.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Others may claim you to be a contrarian, they may accuse you of being a knee-jerk naysayer, of disputing popular opinion for the sake of disputing popular opinion—but then you really couldn’t disagree with them more.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
In a tragic twist of fate, you’ll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Years after losing friends and family members to the obsession, you will finally admit that your life-long goal of becoming the Pythagoras of isosceles triangles is not worth the trouble.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll soon learn that, while the truth can sometimes set you free, other times it can send you to prison for murdering your parents.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It’s that time of the lunar cycle again!
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Unfortunately for you, there’s no adage about how to actually dispose of the baby after the bathwater.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your willingness to die for what you believe in may seem naïve, but someone has to stand up to people who think Ray Combs was the best host of
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Not hitting your shots and a weak zone defense aren’t just why your team is losing in the playoffs, it’s why the Centralized Space Command will surrender to the Uranus Allied Forces this Thursday.
