When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don’t be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
It is said that the eyes are the windows to one’s soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
After years of disappointment, you’ll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm’s reach.
You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
Long after your mind’s shut down, your unconscious body will continue to have a great time on top of that trampoline.
You’ll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you’ll soon be amazed by the amount of progress you’ve made in therapy.
You’ll be shocked this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
Being a Trojan quality-control tester might be the best job in the world, but you’ll soon leave it all behind to spend more time with your 87 children.
You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you’ll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you instead.
