Aries | March 21 to April 19
One of the worst moments of a person’s life is when they finally realize that they’re mortal and are going to die, especially when it’s a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ve been looking for true love for so long now that you’ve forgotten to do anything else, which should give you a clue as to why you didn’t enjoy Comic-Con.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You just don’t see what place slingshots have in today’s modern world, which is yet another reason why you are such a terrible parent.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your irrational fear of sharks will disappear forever this week and be replaced with an extremely educated and informed fear of sharks.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The universe would like to thank you for your participation, hopes you know that you were really great, and wishes you luck in all your future endeavors.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll probably be surprised how quickly you become used to your new life, but then again, since you’ll leave most of your frontal lobe back in your old life, maybe you won’t be.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your theory that, “After this, they won’t dare to elect another one of those bastards,” sounds hopeful, but it flies in the face of everything we’ve learned in the past 20 years.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’re generous to a fault, that fault being that you’ve acquired a reputation as the guy who always comes up with the ransom money.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll uncover startling proof that there, is in fact, nothing more to life than sitting around watching True Blood all day.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The events of your life will continue to uncannily mirror those depicted in the film Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Next week: Hôtel Terminus.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Please try to keep in mind that high summer temperatures do not indicate the end of the world. The magma flowing up from the cracks in the earth, however, bear thinking about.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ll continue to brag about how well your career is going, although most people wouldn’t call repeatedly visiting every all-you-can-eat buffet in the tri-state area a “career.”
