The appearance of a tall dark stranger in your life will lead to a time of mystery and intrigue as you and he discuss the real meanings of the words “dark,” “stranger,” and even “tall.”
Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.
Your fear of public speaking won’t be helped by your habit of saying things that make large groups of people want to attack you.
Love has always meant different things to different people, but for God’s sake, at no point in human history has it ever meant
It is written that you will wield a sword of light and unite the world under your wise and compassionate rule, but hey, when you get right down to it, lots of shit has been written.
When you said no one could understand the way you felt, you were ignoring the many generations before you who also had late-night cravings for Little Debbies.
Mercury rising in your sign means you’ll do exactly what you want to at any given moment, just like you always do, you flighty bastard.
This is a terrible time to start new phases of your life, especially those that involve eating whole frozen Pepperidge Farm chocolate cakes before they even have time to defrost.
Due to unusual and convoluted circumstances too involved to go into here, you’ll spend the next three years imprisoned in an aging 1960s girl group.
Your heart, at least, will be in the right place next week when you attempt to overcome your fear of commitment by marrying everyone you know.
Beware: Time is running out to order Girl Scout cookies from Hazel so that she can earn the stuffed penguin—and already, Thin Mints may be unavailable.
Though you’ve been trying to find yourself for decades, you’ll be disappointed to tears when you find yourself living in Flagstaff and working at a screen-door factory.
