Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.
Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing sixty-three employees.
You’ve never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.
You’ll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you’ll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.
There’s a time and a place for everything, as you’ll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It’s that time of the lunar cycle again!
Your entire life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.
While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don’t have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it’s better you don’t know.
Your mother claims that she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret government project?
