Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will be suddenly struck by the realization that there is no meaning to the universe save that we make, and that all human love is merely sexuality in disguise, but then you’ll be struck with the realization that some jalapeño poppers would be great about now.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your plans for an exciting weekend will be spoiled when a busybody scientist decides he just has to ask you why you want all that plutonium.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It will seem as if you’ve finally received divine evidence of your Christlike nature, but it turns out all women bleed like that.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Remember: The patient raindrops can eventually wear away even the hardest stone. Don’t let them get to close if you value your life.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ve always been afraid of someone washing your mouth out with soap, but that was before you learned they made a special mouth-soap in the form of a minty paste.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
By this time next year, you’ll be $400,000 richer, two cars the better, and just as gullible as you are now.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Sometimes in life, you just have to march right in there, introduce yourself, fight off a couple of rather large security guards, and demand a raise.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
While there’s no shame in admitting you don’t know everything, there’s actually quite a lot of shame in admitting you can’t figure out how to eat chips and salsa.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your two-pack-a-day habit will finally kill you this week, but then, that’s a lot of wolves to fight off.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Help out your friends and relatives with a sensitive issue this week. Clearly label all your worldly possessions with the name of the intended recipient by about 8:15 p.m. on Friday night.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
All of your questions will be answered this week moments after the zookeeper, the fire marshal, and the roller coaster operator all tell you, “No.”
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The attention is nice and all, but in the end, you put your pants on just like everyone else: One multi-million-dollar cybernetic leg at a time.
