Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.
The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He’s been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.
The black widow spider does not have the most powerful venom of any spider in the world, but it’s still going to do quite a number on your legs.
The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we’re trying to say is: You’re fat.
There hasn’t been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it’s far too complicated for you to understand and won’t pay off for years.
Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
You’ve always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they’ll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
The stars could reveal your future, but they’d just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.
People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.
You’ll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips this week.
