Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
There’s absolutely no reason you can’t become successful and happy in the next six months, which will make it all that much sadder when you don’t.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll answer an ad seeking participants in the Most Dangerous Game, but it turns out they mean Scrabble played against an extremely well-armed logophile.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
For the third year in a row, no one responds to your well-meaning letters concerning what you consider to be fairly large errors in just about everything.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
There’s nothing in the world like a post-coital smoke, or so all the former lovers you’ve driven to smoke through sheer frustration keep telling you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Change is right around the corner for you, and it’s raising a nine-iron above its head and watching your shadow grow larger as you approach.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Look, just because someone puts a diving board somewhere doesn’t mean you have to jump off it in order to fulfill the social contract.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Letting your fists speak for you turns out to be a good idea after all, as they make some excellent points and reach a mutually satisfying conclusion that your mind would never have come up with.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Romantic success is coming at you fast, and will soon leave you battered, broken, and crawling through the burning wreckage of your life as it passes over you without even slowing down.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’re usually pretty good at following instructions, but what you’re doing now is not what anyone had in mind when they instructed you to “boogie down.”
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The problems you have may be insignificant next to those of starving millions, but you can’t help thinking that at least their problems will be over soon.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Expressing yourself clearly has never been your strong point, so it should come as no surprise that it’ll take a few readings before people stop laughing and realize it’s your suicide note.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Just because other people get away with being tremendous snobs doesn’t mean you can, too, mostly because you’re not as good as they are.
