Your creativity will be at an all-time high today, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum-cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.
Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week thanks to a series of well-placed commas.
They say you have a head for numbers, but that’s because “head for tumors” isn’t really an expression.
The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.
You’ll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
Text “LIBRA” now for your chance to enter our weekly Astrological Giveaway! (Contest void in Hawaii, Alaska, and the binary star system of Alpha Centauri.)
You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
Things will look up this week, before baring their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and suddenly leaping at your throat.
You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or even a prosperous man, but then, you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.
It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you’ll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.
You’ll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as “it” involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.
