Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will soon embark on a long journey over water by night, which will be extremely romantic until you figure out how low the pilot is flying.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will find work in a strange office in which everyone is happy, no one makes irritating small talk about reality TV, and the work is challenging and rewarding.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your life will be cut tragically short next week by the untimely discovery that your breadmaker can also be used to make doughnuts.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
They say lightning never strikes twice, which doesn’t explain what’s been happening to you at 3 p.m. every Wednesday for the past three months.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You claim to be a champion of truth and beauty, but you still can’t name three poems by Dean Young.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Future archaeologists will find your desiccated skeleton exactly where you starved, midway between two 64-ounce bags of Bugles.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars forecast a great deal of upheaval and turmoil in your future, especially if you do not return their frickin’ celestial hedge trimmer tout de suite.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It’s time you learned to treat people as individuals instead of mathematically predictable members of an aggregate set, no matter how well that works.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The men in lab coats will once more come for you one dark night this week, but it’s just because they left one of their lab coats at your place last time.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You always dreamed of being a human cannonball, but you had no idea that advances in artillery technology would limit your career to a very small number of appearances.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
They thought they had you pegged. They thought they could screw you over and you’d just take it lying down. They were wrong. You’re thrashing about in ecstasy like a crazy person. It’s a little freaky.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your life will continue on pretty much the way it always has.
