You’ll have a hard time controlling yourself this week, but then that’s what the serene-looking men in lab coats are here for.
Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
Remember: It’s always a good idea to wait at least 30 minutes before going ahead and defecating in the pool.
You’ll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
Turns out it’s actually a grease fire, that pitcher is filled with gasoline, and all those firefighters are merely strippers.
While teaching the lowland gorilla how to communicate is entirely possible, getting the self-obsessed primate to shut the hell up is a whole other story.
Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
The otherworldly spirit of William Safire will visit you this evening and spend the next three hours correcting every grammatical mistake you’ve ever made.
Due to adverse weather conditions and severe delays, your next stop this evening will no longer be “Party Town!”
Your big mouth will get you in a lot of trouble this week, though it’s actually your small jaw that’ll be to blame.
Life may seem like one big game to you, which explains the little plastic tokens, the† six-sided dice, and your repeated utterances of “sorry!”
Take the stars’ word for it: That guy Dave from work really has it coming.
