The Onion asked men why the alluring, irresistible sight of women’s spandex pants arouses them so much that the garment must be permanently banned, and this is what they said.
Ted Dotson, Financial Planner
“I’m just generally in favor of decreasing women’s options.”
Will Fitzgerald, Security Guard
“Yoga pants seem like an overall easier issue to talk about than abortion.”
Brett Platte, Car Salesman
“If I wanted to see a woman’s figure, I’d just have AI create a fully nude photo of her.”
William Marls, Real Estate Agent
“Being mesmerized by a fair lady’s hind quarters has led to the destruction of many empires.”
Ellis Maxwell, Musician
“What are they, like, $1,800 per leg? That’s too extravagant.”
David Moss, School Principal
“Too horny, not safe!”
Dave Swift, Editor
“They remind me of the insecurities I have with my own body, which I work hard to keep compartmentalized.”
Dr. Isaiah Proctor, Phrenologist
“Egads! Only a promiscuous she-devil would cavort around in bloomers that exposed her ankles thusly.”
Paul Hendricks, Custodian
“Some of the prints are just too bold.”
Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO)
“Banning things women want is one of the last vestiges of American masculinity and must be protected at all costs.”
Boyd Arnold, Cashier
“If we want women to make bolder fashion choices, we have to force their hand.”
Stuart Fellini, Caterer
“Athleisure makes it easier for them to run away when I start talking to them.”
Donald Waller, Contractor
“It’s less yoga pants specifically and more any garment that may suggest a woman has a crotch.”
Marcello Martinez, Data Analyst
“Only I should be allowed to show off my voluptuous curves in comfort and style.”
Samuel Motz, Carpenter
“I need to think about other people and their choices constantly. As a result, I’ll eventually form this opinion. It’s just a matter of time.”
Hank Darby, Historian
“The founding fathers had no idea how stretchy pants would one day become.”
Jeff Dougal, Doorman
“I don’t know where women got the idea that they can just go around wearing pants.”
Alec Pearson, Electrician
“They’re an unpleasant reminder of my own flat ass.”
