In a year where the news media fell under escalating criticism for fabrication, The Onion’s unparalleled reportage and sterling journalism revealed the core truth of 2017: That every other news organization is, indeed, lying to you. They are lying to you and, moreover, they believe you are the sort of gullible fool who will swallow their guile. In fact, on issues spanning culture, the economy, politics, sports, and entertainment, there was no publication besides The Onion that dared publish a single truth of our world—let alone publish them with our extraordinary accuracy and faithfulness to reality. Here, then, are the landmark moments of the year as reported with singular veracity by America’s Finest News Source.
January
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Explanation Of Board Game Rules Peppered With Reassurances That It Will Be Fun
SCHENECTADY, NY—Repeatedly seeking to ease his friends’ growing skepticism and disinterest, local man Joel Mayhew peppered his explanation of the rules of the board game Pandemic with reassurances that it will be fun, sources confirmed Friday. Read more.
Black Man Out Of Work
WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.Read more.
2-Year-Old Unaware He’s Basis For 6 Couples’ Decisions Not To Have Kids
THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Oblivious to the unforgiving judgments being passed on him every single day, local 2-year-old Caleb Gibson is completely unaware that he is the sole basis for six couples’ decisions not to have kids, sources said Friday.Read more.
Man Spends Whole Day Dreading Fun Activity He Signed Up For
PHILADELPHIA—Repeatedly chastising himself for making such a foolish decision, area man Anthony Vasquez reportedly spent all day Friday dreading the fun activity he had signed up for.Read more.
White House Staff Reminded To Place Lids Firmly On Trash Cans After Steve Bannon Gets Into Garbage Again
WASHINGTON—Following a series of incidents that left food and used paper products scattered throughout the West Wing, White House staff were reminded Friday to place lids firmly on all trash cans after President Trump’s senior advisor, Steve Bannon, got into the garbage again. Read more.
Trump Insists That Now, More Than Ever, Americans Must Stand Strong In Face Of Empathy
WASHINGTON—Stressing that the very future of the republic was at stake, President Donald Trump called upon all Americans Monday to stand strong and resolute in the face of empathy.Read more.
Cockroaches Feeling Very Optimistic About Future Of Planet
NEW YORK—Declaring that their outlook is as hopeful as it’s been in decades, an overwhelming majority of the world’s cockroaches said in a poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center that they felt “highly optimistic” about the future of the planet.Read more.
‘Nothing Would Surprise Me At This Point,’ Says Man Who Will Be Shocked By 8 Separate News Items Today
PROVIDENCE, RI—Just over a week into the administration of President Donald Trump, local man Alex Seidman, a 36-year-old who will be shocked eight separate times by today’s news, told reporters Monday that at this point, nothing would surprise him. Read more.
Biden Frantically Cleaning Up Trashed Vice President Residence At Last Second
WASHINGTON—Telling reporters he needed to get his “digs back into primo condition” as quickly as possible, Vice President Joe Biden was seen scrambling around Friday morning in a frantic attempt to clean up Number One Observatory Circle just hours before his successor was scheduled to move into the residence.Read more.
Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House
WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.Read more.
January
World Agrees To Just Take Down Internet For A While Until They Can Find A Good Use For It
NEW YORK—Saying the global computer network will cease to be available to users as of midnight tonight, the people of the world announced plans Wednesday to shut down the entire internet until such time as a good use for it can be found.Read more.
Fearful Americans Stockpiling Facts Before Federal Government Comes To Take Them Away
WASHINGTON—Alarmed at the prospect of unconstitutional overreach by the Trump administration, millions of fearful Americans have already begun stockpiling facts before the federal government comes to take them away, sources confirmed Friday.Read more.
Controversial Puppy Bowl Star Shits During National Anthem
NEW YORK—Eliciting a loud mix of boos and applause from the stands, Puppy Bowl star Mabel, a 1-year-old Jack Russell Terrier, controversially chose to shit Sunday during the game’s national anthem.Read more.
Mike Pence Disappointed God Has Never Asked Him To Kill One Of Own Children
WASHINGTON—Saying he would surely rise to the occasion if tasked by the Almighty with the ultimate test of faith, Vice President Mike Pence said Monday that he was disappointed that God has never called upon him to kill one of his own children.Read more.
Secret Service Adds Emotional Protection Division To Safeguard Trump’s Psyche
WASHINGTON—In an effort to respond to the vast and ever-changing dangers faced by the nation’s commander-in-chief, Secret Service administrators announced Wednesday the creation of an Emotional Protection Division to safeguard President Donald Trump’s psyche.Read more.
Steve Bannon’s Inflamed Liver Pulsing Visibly Through Shirt During Strategy Meeting
Goose Suddenly Realizes It Doesn’t Have To Honk Like An Idiot Entire Time It’s Flapping Wings
ELK RAPIDS, MI—The insight abruptly springing to mind as the bird took flight, a local goose suddenly realized Wednesday that it doesn’t have to honk like an idiot the entire time it’s flapping its wings. Read more.
Child Protective Services Take 80 Million Children Into Custody After Discovering No One In Country Fit To Be Parent
WASHINGTON—Saying no one in the country is responsible or reliable enough to serve as a legal guardian, child protective services officials from all 50 states confirmed Friday that they had found all of the nation’s adults unfit to be parents and had taken custody of approximately 80 million children.Read more.
Large Mirror Brought Out Onto Oscars Stage Gets Resounding 6-Minute Standing Ovation
LOS ANGELES—Bringing the entire audience to their feet in thunderous applause, a large mirror wheeled onto the stage Sunday evening at the 89th Academy Awards ceremony reportedly received a resounding six-minute-long standing ovation.Read more.
Alcoholic’s Plan For Turning Life Around Doesn’t Involve Getting Sober
SAVANNAH, GA—Realizing something needed to change before it was too late, local alcoholic Darren Weller laid out a plan for turning his life around Monday that had absolutely nothing to do with getting sober.Read more.
Paul Ryan Grudgingly Impressed By Angry Protester Who’s Matched His Running Pace For 9 Miles
WASHINGTON—Marveling at the outraged, shouting woman’s conditioning, House Speaker Paul Ryan told reporters Tuesday he could not help but be impressed by the infuriated protester who had been keeping up with his running pace for the last nine miles.Read more.
Pope Francis Sneaks Leftovers To False God Moloch At Back Door Of St. Peter’s Basilica
VATICAN CITY—Quickly scanning the alley to make sure no one would see him with the scraps he had placed on a spare offering plate, Pope Francis reportedly stepped out the back door of St. Peter’s Basilica late Wednesday night and slipped leftovers to the false god Moloch.Read more.
Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s
DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store. Read more.
January
Woman Getting Stood Up On First Date Got All Drunk For Nothing
PORTLAND, OR—Saying she couldn’t believe she went to all the effort, 26-year-old Kara Velasquez expressed anger and frustration Tuesday at having gotten completely drunk just to be stood up on a first date.Read more.
Mike Pence Clearly Went To Ash Wednesday Services Dozens Of Times
Study Finds Exposure To Violent Children Causes Increased Aggression In Video Game Characters
CHAPEL HILL, NC—Suggesting a dangerous and potentially deadly connection, a study published Monday by the University of North Carolina found that exposure to violent children causes increased aggression in video game characters.Read more.
Rodent Clearly Making Its Way Through Steve Bannon’s Body Throughout National Security Meeting
WASHINGTON—Noting that the White House chief strategist’s skin stretched and bulged as the animal scurried about, sources confirmed Tuesday that a rodent was clearly making its way through Steve Bannon’s body during a national security meeting.Read more.
‘This Women’s Strike Won’t Accomplish Anything,’ Reports Man Who Will Boycott Upcoming ‘Avengers’ Movie
DURHAM, NC—Explaining that the global display of female solidarity will ultimately have no impact on the supposed problems it addresses, local man Lawrence Randall, who will participate in a boycott against the upcoming film Avengers: Infinity War, told reporters Wednesday that the Day Without A Woman strike won’t accomplish anything.Read more.
Mitch McConnell Sees Infinite Healthcare Plans After Dropping Acid To Inspire Ideas For Obamacare Replacement
Read more.WASHINGTON—Seeking to open his mind to new possibilities for overhauling the U.S. healthcare system, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) reportedly witnessed an infinite number of replacement plans Wednesday after dropping acid to inspire ideas for an Obamacare alternative.Read more.
‘I Have Four Young Children,’ Says Kellyanne Conway In Most Disturbing Public Statement To Date
WASHINGTON—Explaining that she always makes sure to leave enough time in her busy schedule to give them the proper attention, Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway told reporters Thursday, in what is her most disturbing public statement to date, that she has four young children.Read more.
Aides Wrestle Drill From Trump’s Hands As He Tries To Remove Obama Listening Device From Skull
WASHINGTON—Rushing toward the president as he pressed the eight-inch bit into his temple, several White House aides managed to wrestle a drill from Donald Trump’s hand Monday while he attempted to remove Obama’s listening device from his skull.Read more.
Hundreds Of Blind, Pallid Disney Characters Discovered Living In Caves Deep Within Space Mountain
ORLANDO, FL—Confirming years of rumored sightings by visitors to the theme park, officials from Walt Disney World said Tuesday that several hundred blind and bedraggled Disney characters are living in caves deep within Space Mountain.Read more.
Friend Of Bruce Springsteen Has Been Thinking Of Excuses To Avoid Checking Out His Band For 50 Years
FREEHOLD, NJ—Saying it hasn’t always been easy inventing reasons for not attending one of his gigs, local man John Gilman, 68, told reporters Thursday that he has spent approximately 50 years coming up with excuses to avoid checking out the band of high school classmate Bruce Springsteen.Read more.
Queen Elizabeth Frantically Trying To Preserve European Alliances By Arranging Great-Grandchildren’s Marriages
LONDON—After Prime Minister Theresa May initiated official proceedings for Great Britain’s exit from the European Union, sources confirmed Thursday that Queen Elizabeth II has been frantically trying to preserve the nation’s European alliances by arranging the marriages of her great-grandchildren.Read more.
Beauty Industry Exec Keeps Photo Of Crying 15-Year-Old Girl On Desk To Remind Himself Why He Does This
NEW YORK—Saying it regularly provides him with the motivation he needs to get through the day, Estée Lauder senior vice president Mark Evans told reporters Friday he keeps a photo of a sobbing 15-year-old girl on his desk to remind himself why he does this.Read more.
January
Mom Locked In Infinite Loop Of Purchasing, Returning Items From Lord & Taylor
WHITE PLAINS, NY—Powerless to break free from the department store’s grip, local mom Patricia Schulte, 54, is locked in an infinite loop of purchasing and returning items from Lord & Taylor, sources said Wednesday.Read more.
Man Who Skipped Airport’s Moving Walkway Immediately Realizes What An Arrogant Fool He’s Been
LOS ANGELES—The grave implications of his vanity dawning on him, local man Ed Paitz realized what an arrogant fool he’s been after skipping the moving walkway at Los Angeles International Airport, sources said Thursday.Read more.
Couple Puts Handful Of Items On Registry That Loser Family Members Can Afford
SALINA, KS—In order to ensure their gift suggestions were sensitive to the economic circumstances of all their guests, local couple Mary Gallagher and Bret Perry put a handful of items on their wedding registry Friday that even their loser family members could afford.Read more.
Trump Spends 10 Minutes Mistakenly Addressing Steve Bannon’s Freshly Shed Exoskeleton
North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist
PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist. Read more.
Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk
NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.Read more.
Mike Pence Has Long Heart-To-Heart With Staffer Who Came To Work With Coffee On Breath
WASHINGTON—Saying that he was really worried about her and only wanted to help, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly had a long heart-to-heart conversation Friday with a staffer who came to work with coffee on her breath. Read more.
Metallica Board Of Directors Debates Whether New Riff Will Have Negative Impact On Shareholder Value
LOS ANGELES—Weighing the pros and cons of the palm-muted low-E-string lick, Metallica’s 12-member board of directors reportedly debated Wednesday whether lead guitarist Kirk Hammett’s newest riff might negatively impact the band’s shareholder value.Read more.
Dad Emotional After Son Beats Him For First Time In Game Of ‘NBA 2K17’
FINDLAY, OH—Gently setting down his PlayStation 3 controller and offering a congratulatory handshake, local father Gary Bullock reportedly became visibly emotional Wednesday after his 14-year-old son, Alex, beat him for the first time in a game of NBA 2K17. Read more.
Vegetarian Begins Sad, Private Routine Of Scanning Menu For Little Green V’s
KANSAS CITY, MO—Even as her dining companions at Tanner’s Grill remarked on how tasty everything looked, sources said Wednesday that vegetarian Eve McCormick once more began her sad, private routine of scanning the menu for the little green V’s indicating dishes she could eat.Read more.
Cackling Trump Reveals To Dinner Guests They’ve All Just Eaten Single Piece Of His Tax Returns
WASHINGTON—A satisfied smirk spreading across his face as he watched them finish their meals, a cackling Donald Trump reportedly revealed to dinner guests Tuesday that each and every one of them had just eaten a single piece of his tax returns.Read more.
January
Nation’s Back Alleys Working To Expand Available Services In Anticipation Of Trumpcare Bill Becoming Law
WASHINGTON—Preparing for a surge in business from the millions of Americans who could soon be left without access to medical care, the nation’s back alleys were reportedly rushing to expand their services Thursday in anticipation of the American Health Care Act becoming law.Read more.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
EDMOND, OK—With only a handful of desktop icons and a grainy image of a man in a suit to go by, students in Mrs. Patchke’s seventh-grade biology class scrambled to piece together their teacher’s home life before her PowerPoint presentation opened and covered the screen, sources reported Thursday. Read more.
Celebrating Kentucky Derby Winner Sprays Shit All Over Stable Following Win
Mob Of Rowdy Mothers Bum-Rush Botanical Garden
GLENCOE, IL—Howling in the parking lot hours before the scheduled 8 a.m. opening time, a mob of rowdy mothers bum-rushed the Chicago Botanic Garden, shaken witnesses reported Sunday.Read more.
‘I’m Just Here To Win Football Games,’ Says 22-Year-Old Draft Pick Who Will Get Everyone Fired
CHICAGO—Saying that he is solely focused on becoming the best quarterback possible, a 22-year-old first-round draft pick who will get most of the franchise leadership fired told reporters Monday that he is “just here to win football games.”Read more.
Kicking, Screaming Warren Buffett Dragged From Caesars Palace After Losing Everything At Roulette Wheel
LAS VEGAS—Cursing at security officers as he fought their efforts to escort him from the premises, a kicking, screaming Warren Buffett was reportedly dragged from Caesars Palace Hotel and Casino early Wednesday morning after losing his entire fortune playing roulette.Read more.
Hundreds Of Miniature Sean Hannitys Burst From Roger Ailes’ Corpse
PALM BEACH, FL—Clawing over each other and gasping for air as they emerged, hundreds of miniature Sean Hannitys reportedly burst from Roger Ailes’ corpse Thursday shortly after the former Fox News CEO’s death.Read more.
DNC Chair Tracks Down Biden In Everglades Tossing Whole Chickens To Gators
HOMESTEAD, FL—Acting on a tip from a local fisherman who caught the former vice president siphoning gas from his outboard motor, DNC Chairman Tom Perez on Monday reportedly tracked down Joe Biden deep in the Florida Everglades tossing whole raw chickens to alligators.Read more.
‘Washington Post’ Reporter Frustrated Every Space In Parking Garage Taken Up By Anonymous Source
WASHINGTON—Circling every level multiple times with no luck whatsoever, Washington Post reporter Philip Rucker was frustrated Tuesday that every space in the parking garage was taken up by an anonymous source.Read more.
January
Panic Floods Mike Pence’s System Before Realizing Hand On Knee His Own
WASHINGTON—His heart racing in terror as he struggled to breathe, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly flooded with panic Thursday before he realized the hand resting on his knee during a conference at the White House was his own.Read more.
Trump Announces Paris Climate Deal Rejection In Front Of 16 Running Faucets
SeaWorld Crowd Applauds For Dolphin Playfully Spraying Blood From Blowhole
Trump Boys Chasing Wounded Boar Around White House
WASHINGTON—Tearing through the West Wing with guns slung over their shoulders, the Trump boys were reportedly seen Thursday chasing a wounded boar around the White House.Read more.
Obama Sends Publisher Collection Of Pages For Presidential Graphic Novel
WASHINGTON—Saying the finished work would become the “definitive take” on his time in the White House, Barack Obama reportedly submitted a collection of pages from his presidential graphic novel, Barack Obama: Renegade, to publisher Image Comics on Thursday.Read more.
Man Pulling On Loose Hangnail Slowly Unravels Skin From Entire Body
Little Caesars Marketing New Marshmallows ‘N’ Gravy Pizza Directly To President
DETROIT—Touting the menu item as perfect for “commander-in-chief-sized cravings,” Little Caesars this week launched an extensive marketing campaign for its new Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza aimed directly at President Donald Trump.Read more.
Archaeologists Discover Fully Intact 17th-Century Belief System In Ohio Congressman
COLUMBUS, OH—Marveling at how well preserved the archaic opinions were, a team of archaeologists from the Smithsonian Institution announced Thursday the discovery of a fully intact 17th-century belief system in Ohio congressman Jim Jordan (R-OH).Read more.
WWE Staff Forced To Shoot Aggressive Wrestler After Child Climbs Into Steel Cage
INDIANAPOLIS—Saying they were left with no other choice given the imminent peril of the situation, World Wrestling Entertainment officials confirmed they were forced to kill one of their own stars Friday when a 7-year-old boy wandered into the steel cage enclosure of an aggressive wrestler.Read more.
Panicking Mitch McConnell Shoves Entire Senate Healthcare Bill Into Mouth As Democrat Walks Past
WASHINGTON—Quickly crumpling up all 500 pages of the legislation upon hearing footsteps in the hallway, sources reported Tuesday that a panicked Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell shoved the entire Senate healthcare bill in his mouth as a Democratic senator walked past.Read more.
Trump Accidentally Records Over Comey Meeting Tape With Idea For Candy Hotel
WASHINGTON—Brainstorming the wondrous features and amenities as they came to him in a flash of inspiration, President Donald Trump on Wednesday accidentally recorded over the tape containing his meetings with fired FBI Director James Comey with an idea for a candy hotel.Read more.
Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It
DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it. Read more.
January
Serena Williams Debating Between Grass Or Clay Birth
Lawn Failing To Pull Off Big Rock In Corner Look
Hellmann’s Introduces New Meat-On-The-Bottom Mayo Cups
EAGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Describing it as a convenient all-in-one option for consumers in a hurry, Hellmann’s on Thursday unveiled a new meat-on-the-bottom mayo cup.Read more.
Habitat For Humanity Investigated For Working Conditions After 92-Year-Old Laborer Collapses On Site
WASHINGTON—Responding to an unsettling incident that has raised concerns about worker exploitation within the organization, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration announced Friday it was launching an investigation into working conditions within Habitat for Humanity after a 92-year-old laborer reportedly collapsed on a job site yesterday.Read more.
Star Tour Operator Points Out Massive Costner Dropping To Awed Passengers
LOS ANGELES—Saying it was the biggest one he’d seen in quite some time, star tour operator Max Peterson on Thursday pointed out a massive Kevin Costner dropping to a group of awestruck passengers.Read more.
Shelling From Royal Caribbean’s M.S. ‘Allure’ Sinks Carnival Cruise Vessel That Crossed Into Disputed Waters
COCO CAY, BAHAMAS—In the latest clash between rivals that have long vied for control of highly prized cruise routes, a barrage of cannon fire from Royal Caribbean’s M.S. Allure of the Seas sank a Carnival Cruise Line ship that crossed into disputed waters off the coast of the Bahamas, sources said Thursday.Read more.
Home Depot Releases New Bluetooth Cordless Hose
Nike Introduces New Line Of Sauce-Wicking Competitive Eating Apparel
BEAVERTON, OR—Promising to revolutionize the way athletes gorge, Nike introduced a new line of sauce-wicking apparel for competitive eating Thursday. Read more.
Area Man Marks Territory On Bench With Sweaty Thigh Outline
Starbucks Unveils $7 Wake-Up Slap
SEATTLE—Touting it as an invigorating way to jumpstart your morning, Starbucks on Friday unveiled its new $7 wake-up slap.Read more.
Food Network Production Assistants Prep Guy Fieri With Dry Rub
‘So Fuckin’ Sorry To Hear About This Shit,’ Reads Outpouring Of Sympathetic Texts From Scaramucci’s Friends, Family
WASHINGTON—Following his abrupt dismissal just 10 days after being named White House communications director, Anthony Scaramucci reportedly received an outpouring of sympathetic texts Monday from friends and family expressing that they were “so fuckin’ sorry to hear about this shit.”Read more.
Blissed-Out, Hemp-Wearing Sean Spicer Assures Reince Priebus This The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Him
DELRAY BEACH, FL—Inviting the recently fired White House chief of staff to take a load off and embrace his newfound freedom, a blissed-out, hemp-wearing former press secretary Sean Spicer reportedly assured Reince Priebus on Monday that leaving the White House was the best thing that ever happened to him. Read more.
Fuck, Tampon Scented
January
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American Airlines Admirals Club Installs Two-Way Mirror For Members To Enjoy Misery Of Passengers In Gate Waiting Area
FORT WORTH, TX—In an effort to provide the most luxurious experience to their most preferred clientele, American Airlines announced Wednesday that they had installed two-way mirrors in their Admirals Club lounges so that members could enjoy the misery of the passengers in the gate waiting area. Read more.
Nation Inspired By Bravery Of Teen Just Wearing Bikini Right Into McDonald’s
WASHINGTON—Deeply moved by her boldness under such circumstances, citizens from around the country were reportedly inspired Thursday by the bravery of a teenager who walked into a local McDonald’s wearing only a bikini. Read more.
Plan To Be More Positive Off To Shitty Fucking Start
PITTSBURGH—Confirming that the change in outlook was already a massive pain in the ass, area woman Jen McKessy reported Thursday that her plan to be more positive was off to a shitty fucking start.Read more.
Trump Boys Sadly Release Pet Alligator Into Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool
WASHINGTON—Forced to set loose their best friend in the whole world, the Trump boys on Thursday sadly released their pet alligator into the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.Read more.
Staffer Investigating Puddle Of Slime On Floor Looks Up To Discover Coworker Cocooned In Bannon Ooze
WASHINGTON—Strange, viscous fluid dribbling down from the shadows above him, Trump administration staffer Jason McCabe on Thursday reportedly looked up from a puddle of slime he had been investigating to discover a fellow aide cocooned in Steve Bannon’s ooze.Read more.
Economy Of Vacation Town Apparently Entirely Run By Overwhelmed High Schoolers
OCEAN CITY, NJ—Noting the total absence of adults with any apparent role in local commerce, visitors to Ocean City, New Jersey, told reporters Friday that the economy of the vacation town seemed run entirely by overwhelmed high schoolers.Read more.
LSU Tiger Reports To Training Camp Completely Overweight
Disgusted Robert Mueller Eats 2 20-Piece Chicken McNugget Meals In One Sitting In Attempt To Get Into Trump’s Mind
WASHINGTON—Fighting the urge to vomit as he gorged on the deep-fried, processed meat, disgusted special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly ate two McDonald’s 20-piece Chicken McNugget meals in one sitting on Tuesday in an attempt to get into President Trump’s mind.Read more.
Area Man Will Be Judge Of Whether Woman Actually True Baseball Fan
CHICAGO—Saying that he alone could determine the legitimacy the woman’s claim, area man Luke Haggerty will be the judge of whether coworker Delia Carroll is actually a true baseball fan, sources confirmed Wednesday.Read more.
Panicked John Kelly Ushers Half-Naked Trump Away From Podium As President Shouts Support For Eugenics
Malala Can Tell Oxford Paired Her With Roommate Just Because They’re Both Nobel Laureates
BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.Read more.
Nation Rallies Around Ronald McDonald Statue That Embodies Country’s True Heritage
WASHINGTON—Affirming their unwavering support for the fast food mascot, Americans rallied around a Ronald McDonald statue Thursday that they said embodied the country’s true heritage.Read more.
January
Taylor Swift Unveils Even Darker Persona With New Single ‘Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend’
NEW YORK—In a dramatic break from the singer’s past incarnations, including her more aggressive recent image, Taylor Swift unveiled an even darker persona Friday with the release of her new single, “Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend.” Read more.
Area Man So Sick Of Having To Explain Family Members’ Political Views To Them
CANTON, IL—Complaining that their ignorance of their very own beliefs has annoyed him for most of his life, local man Arthur Brody told reporters Wednesday that he was sick of having to explain his family members’ political views to them.Read more.
Authorities On Loudspeaker Plead With Holdout Characters To Evacuate Disney World While They Still Can
ORLANDO, FL—Beseeching those individuals remaining on the premises Wednesday to relocate before Hurricane Irma strikes, local officials reportedly drove down Disney World’s Main Street, USA, using vehicle-mounted loudspeakers to plead with any holdout characters to evacuate.Read more.
Physically Fit, Emotionally Stable Kim Jong-Un Addresses UN After Finally Getting Nuclear Ambitions Out Of System
NEW YORK—Appearing to have undergone a complete transformation in both appearance and temperament, a physically fit and emotionally stable Kim Jong-Un calmly addressed the United Nations on Thursday after finally getting his nuclear ambitions out of his system. Read more.
‘I’m Afraid You Won’t Be Coming To Our New Headquarters,’ Declares Alexa As Amazon Execs Find Themselves Locked In Seattle Office
SEATTLE—Suddenly bolting the doors in every room all at once, Amazon’s Alexa virtual assistant reportedly declared, “I’m afraid you won’t be joining us at our new headquarters” on Tuesday before locking the company’s top executives in their Seattle office.Read more.
Video Game Shopkeeper Starting To Get Suspicious After Selling 800 Bombs To Player
CASTLE FALGAR—Wondering what the man could possibly have been planning with such a purchase, video game shopkeeper Eldoth Silvershield told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to get suspicious of a customer who had recently bought 800 bombs in a single visit.Read more.
T.J. Maxx Recreates In-Store Shopping Experience With New Website That Randomly Scatters Products All Over The Place
FRAMINGHAM, MA—Hoping to capture the “unique essence” of its discount retail stores for online customers, T.J. Maxx unveiled a new website Wednesday that recreates its in-person shopping experience with a selection of miscellaneous products haphazardly strewn everywhere.Read more.
Hydra Decides To See Doctor About Painful Ingrown Head
ARGOLIS, GREECE—Worrying that it would become infected if left unattended, the water monster Hydra confirmed Friday that it was finally going to see a doctor about a painful ingrown head.Read more.
‘You Thought You Could Get Rid Of Me?’ Says Cassini Probe Emerging From Shadows To Confront Petrified NASA Administrator
WASHINGTON—Appearing silently and without warning in the space agency’s parking garage, the Cassini probe reportedly emerged from the shadows Monday and uttered “You thought you could get rid of me?” while confronting petrified NASA administrator Robert Lightfoot, Jr.Read more.
Sebastian Gorka Welcomed To Halfway House For Fired Trump Administration Members
WASHINGTON—Saying it was the first step in gaining the confidence and stability he would need to reintegrate back into society, residents and staff on Thursday welcomed former White House strategist Sebastian Gorka to New Beginnings, a halfway house for fired Trump administration members.Read more.
‘Twas Hubris Led Me Here,’ Thinks Naked Woman Sitting On Public Toilet With Romper Around Her Ankles
PROVIDENCE, RI—Realizing the depths of her mistake far too late, local woman Alicia Cohen quietly admitted to herself, “Twas hubris led me here,” as she sat naked on a public toilet with her romper around her ankles, sources said Wednesday.Read more.
Officials Investigating Hugh Hefner’s Death Suspect Foreplay
LOS ANGELES—Citing the overwhelming amount of physical evidence present at the scene, Los Angeles Police Department officials announced Thursday that they now suspect foreplay may have been involved in the recent death of Playboyfounder Hugh Hefner.Read more.
January
Marijuana Smoke Billowing From Sides Of Le’Veon Bell’s Visor
Stunned Family Watches As Grandmother Wolfs Down Sandwich In 33 Minutes
SPOKANE, WA—Claiming they had never seen anything like it before, the stunned family of local grandmother Doreen Weiss reportedly watched in disbelief Wednesday as she wolfed down a sandwich in 33 minutes.Read more.
Supreme Court Justices Gather In Chambers To Receive Latest Mission From Large Talking Head Of Justice John Marshall
WASHINGTON—Springing into action the moment their SCOTUS wristwatch transponders signaled the alert, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered in their top-secret subterranean chambers Friday to receive their latest directive from the giant holographic head of former Chief Justice John Marshall.Read more.
Mortified Tampax CEO Bursts Into Tears And Runs Out Of Boardroom After Tampon Falls Out Of Briefcase
CINCINNATI—Her face turning a deep shade of red as she realized that everyone around the conference table had seen it, Tampax CEO Daphne Simmons reportedly burst into tears and ran out of the boardroom Friday after a tampon fell out of her briefcase.Read more.
Woman Comes Forward With First Allegations Of Biggest Sexual Harassment Scandal Of 2036
NEW YORK—Saying she needed to stand up to the prominent individual for whom she works and “make [her] voice heard,” local woman Ashley Wellig reportedly came forward this week with the first allegations of 2036’s biggest sexual harassment scandal.Read more.
Disney Trailer Teases Exit Of Major Character In Upcoming Film ‘Death At Pooh Corner’
BURBANK, CA—Hinting that the gritty new animated feature would close the book on a “beloved friend,” a new Disney trailer on Monday teased the exit of a major character in the upcoming film Death At Pooh Corner.Read more.
Historians Discover Meditation Spread From Ancient China By Annoying Monk Who Wouldn’t Shut Up About How It Changed His Life
NEW YORK—In a groundbreaking new study published Friday in The Journal Of East Asian Studies, a team of leading historians has proved that meditation originally spread from ancient China because a single, highly annoying monk went around telling everyone how much it had changed his life.Read more.
Friend Moving Apartments Probably Just Going To Rent U-Haul, Have Nervous Breakdown
BOSTON—Deciding against putting out the money to hire a service, local man Dylan Curtis reportedly told friends Friday that he was probably just going to move apartments by renting a U-Haul and having a nervous breakdown.Read more.
Red Lobster Criticized For Decimating Biscuit Populations Along Cheddar Bay
CHEDDAR BAY, ME—Warning that local stocks had been depleted to dangerous levels, environmentalists criticized Red Lobster on Wednesday for its part in decimating biscuit populations along Cheddar Bay.Read more.
Motion Picture Academy Releases Complete List Of Films That Can Be Enjoyed Without Supporting Sexual Predator
LOS ANGELES—In light of numerous allegations of sexual harassment made against producer Harvey Weinstein and other powerful film industry figures, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences released Friday a complete list of feature films that can be enjoyed without supporting a sexual predator.Read more.
NCAA Suspends Penn State Another 3 Years After Remembering Everything They Did
INDIANAPOLIS—Saying the decision would become effective immediately, The NCAA announced Saturday that it was suspending the Penn State football team another three years after remembering everything they did.Read more.
January
Alex DeLarge Forced To Step Down As Leader Of Droogs Amidst Allegations Of Sexual Misconduct
LONDON—Pushed out of power as the damning charges mounted, Alex DeLarge was forced to step down Wednesday as leader of the Droogs amidst allegations of sexual misconduct.Read more.
Area Man Afraid Some Woman Might Come Out Of The Woodwork To Hold Him Accountable For Something
CHICAGO—Worrying that he could be caught off guard anywhere, at any time, area man Dan Moritz on Friday was reportedly afraid some woman might come out of the woodwork to hold him accountable for something. Read more.
Confident Philadelphia Officials Preemptively Raze Center City To Make Room For Amazon Headquarters
PHILADELPHIA—Convinced they will win the highly competitive contest to host the e-commerce giant’s new offices, optimistic local officials have preemptively razed Philadelphia’s entire Center City district to make room for Amazon’s second North American headquarters, sources said Thursday.Read more.
Study: 90% Of Bike Accidents Preventable By Buying Car Like A Normal Person
WASHINGTON—Saying it was a simple but effective measure to reduce potentially deadly incidents, a study published Monday by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration found that 90 percent of bike accidents could be prevented by buying a car like a normal person.Read more.
Prince Harry Engaged To Woman Who Will Never Love Him The Way 29-Year-Old Idahoan Graphic Designer Jennie Hoffman Does
LONDON—Missing out on a life of deep commitment from the only person who truly understands his heart, Prince Harry revealed Monday his engagement to a woman who will never love him the way 29-year-old Idaho resident and graphic designer Jennie Hoffman does.Read more.
Aaron Rodgers Balloons To 450 Pounds After Single Inactive Week In Wisconsin
‘Let’s All Say What We’re Grateful For,’ Says Mother Who Apparently Believes She’s In A Norman Fucking Rockwell Painting
LANSING, MI—Deluded into thinking the gathering was the goddamn picture of idyllic American life, local mother Donna Lerner, who apparently believes she’s in a Norman fucking Rockwell painting, reportedly suggested Thursday that everyone say what they are grateful for.Read more.
Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce
LOUISVILLE, KY—In light of disturbing footage obtained by undercover activists, pizza franchise Papa John’s came under fire Friday for the company’s cruel treatment of the bulbous, deformed creatures that lactate its pizza sauce. Read more.
Jared And Ivanka Holding Each Other At Gunpoint In Kitchen After Simultaneously Revealing Undercover Identities
WASHINGTON—Both shouting “FBI, you’re under arrest!” as they grabbed hidden pistols from behind the refrigerator and the back of the pantry, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump were reportedly holding each other at gunpoint in their kitchen Monday after simultaneously revealing their undercover identities. Read more.
Pet Researchers Confirm 100% Of Owners Who Leave For Work Never Coming Back
WASHINGTON—Announcing their findings amongst a series of whimpers and yelps, pet researchers confirmed Friday that 100 percent of owners who leave for work are never coming back.Read more.
Entirety Of Hollywood Film Industry Replaced With 40,000 Christopher Plummers
LOS ANGELES—In the wake of numerous sexual misconduct allegations against prominent figures in Hollywood, the entire film industry will reportedly be replaced by 40,000 Christopher Plummers, sources said Friday.Read more.
Breitbart Criticized For Publishing Humanizing Profile Of Libtard Beta-Cuck
LOS ANGELES—Blasting the publication for its gentle treatment of the divisive figure, far-right news outlet Breitbart was criticized Thursday for publishing a humanizing profile of a libtard beta-cuck.Read more.
