Writer's-Blocked Buster Olney Only Able To Write 90,000 Words On Cliff Lee

BRISTOL, CT—Citing a crippling inability to think of anything at all to say, ESPN columnist Buster Olney stared at his computer screen for five hours Friday night after typing a mere 90,000 words of background information, speculation, and analysis on free-agent pitcher Cliff Lee. “I’m completely blocked,” a bleary-eyed Olney told reporters, adding that he could only muster 10,000 words on Cliff Lee’s poise. “His value to a team, the impression he made in Texas, what it would mean if he were to go to the Yankees—I barely squeaked out 40,000 words on that. I just need something, anything, some sort of spark to get me going.” Remembering the white spot on the bill of Cliff Lee’s baseball cap inspired another 9,000 words, but Olney eventually e-mailed his editor at ESPN, called himself a hack, confessed that he didn’t deserve to be called a baseball analyst anymore, and submitted 14 articles on Derek Jeter’s Golden Glove selection.