The number of Americans who have sought out mental health treatment has nearly doubled in the past two decades ago, and with this mainstreaming of therapy comes an abuse of the field’s terminology. Here are the worst ways people misuse therapy speak.
Saying ‘Just What The Doctor Ordered’ In Reference To Things That Are Not Klonopin
A beer, a cocktail, a mouthwatering egg, cheese, and sausage breakfast sandwich on a late Sunday morning: None of these things is 0.5 mg of Klonopin and should thus not be referred to as just what the doctor ordered.
Saying ‘Thank You’
“Thank you” is something you say to your therapist when rushing out the door without making eye contact.
Labeling Radioactive Waste As ‘Toxic’
You can’t call nuclear runoff “toxic” just because you don’t like it.
Setting Boundaries Without Posting Sentries To Maintain Them
You need at least three shifts of sentries to cycle through, with one posted every 500 feet or so, if you’re going to cover those boundaries effectively.
Diluting The Meaning Of ‘Fondling The Goose’
Phrases with clear and specific definitions applied to generic situations dilute their effectiveness.
Saying ‘I’m Sad’
You’ve been taught better than this. Don’t ever fucking say this.
Attempting To Integrate Therapy Into Your Speech Or Behavior At All
Going to therapy was your first problem.
Referring To Using A Trash Can As Having OCD
Just because you’d prefer all of your refuse be neatly contained inside of a proper receptacle rather than spread all over your floor doesn’t mean you are obsessive-compulsive—that diagnosis only applies to those who require a second separate bin that holds recyclables.
Conflating ‘Trauma’ With Normal Haunted House Experiences
Referring to everyday spooky experiences as “traumatic” makes light of the people who suffer from real-life chainsaw men chasing them around.
Misusing The Term ‘
“Batshit crazy” is a medical term reserved for those suffering from a mental health issue that’s slightly worse than “bonkers” but a little better than “total wackjob.”
Asking F
Only acceptable if you nodded along to someone talking about their problems for an hour while jotting down a note or two.
Assuming Others Have A Brain, Or Even A Head
It takes years of therapeutic and psychiatric practice to diagnose someone with having a brain or head at all, so it is best not to jump to conclusions based on layman’s observations.
Pissing Yourself While Running Into The Street Screaming That Your Spirit Is Having Sex With Walter Cronkite
Screaming your delusional hallucinations while obstructing traffic at rush hour is far and away a misapplication of what therapists recommend when learning about one’s own attachment style.
Referring To An ‘Inner Child’ As An Abstract Concept Of A Younger Self
Despite common misconceptions, an inner child is a literal 8-year-old boy named Mason who lies dormant and will someday burst out of your bloody chest to ask for some ice cream.
Saying The Twin Towers Were Love Bombed
They were not love bombed, they simply no longer had the bandwidth to continue standing.
Saying You Needed To Set A ‘Hard Boundary’ On Other Races
There are better ways to declare a race war.
Confusing ‘Self Love’ With Being Full
Allowing yourself to eat an entire sandwich is not the radical act many think it is.
Saying Jeffrey Dahmer Was Just Creating A Safe Space
While killing and eating his victims did technically “fill his cup,” that’s besides the point.
Claiming To Be ‘So OCD’ About Cleaning The Blood From Your Apartment
While we would all like the DNA of victims out of our space, it’s important to also bask in the kill.
Believing It Is Toxic For Your Significant Other To Control Your Every Action
They know what’s best for you, and no friend or family member is going to say otherwise.
