Even if you don’t remember it’s St. Patrick’s Day, your server definitely will. When you’re out at a bar celebrating, try not to say the following things.
“This Guinness has gone bad. Can I have a refund?”
That’s just how Guinness tastes.
“What cabbage do you have on tap?”
Can you read? The menu is right in front of you.
“Hello.”
Enough with the small talk, already. Your bartender’s got customers to serve.
“The whole story about St. Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland is actually just an allegory, as snakes never existed in the country.”
Not right now, please. Another person just threw up in booth 17.
“Corned beef, and keep it coming!”
There’s a strict three-beef limit per customer.
“Do you take Amex?”
Authentic Irish pubs only accept shillings retrieved from a small leather pouch hidden in one’s boot.
“In Ireland, it’s spelled Pádraig, not Patrick.”
They were actually asking for the spelling of your name so you could close your tab.
“Can I just get a green club soda?”
Sorry, you can either be responsible and sober or celebrate St. Paddy’s. There’s no middle ground.
“There are Ulster fighters outside—you have to hide me!”
Bartenders hate to be dragged into your multigenerational struggle for a free and unified Ireland.
“You’re doing a great job, and I appreciate you.”
If you don’t have your drink order ready when you come to the bar, you waste everyone’s time.
“This isn’t what I ordered.”
You’ve got no business being out on St. Patrick’s Day if you’re sober enough to know you got the wrong drink.
“Oi! I’ll ’ave one point uh Guinness, gov’nuh! Cheers!”
You have no idea what Ireland is.
“This is going to sound crazy, but I know you. More than know you, I’ve loved you. I come from a parallel universe, and we have spent a thousand lifetimes together, each better than the last. And I’ve finally found you again.”
You still gotta pay for your drinks.
“I’m a registered sex offender.”
By law, you’re only required to tell your neighbors. This is just upsetting to a bartender.
“¡Viva la revolución!”
While the Irish do love the spirit, this is from an entirely different country.
“May I have an espresso martini, please?”
If you think a bartender has time to prepare you anything other than a watered-down beer on St. Patrick’s Day, you’ve clearly never been out on St. Patrick’s Day.
“Why aren’t you dressed as an insensitive caricature of an ethnic group?”
It’s just not St. Patrick’s Day unless someone does something deeply culturally offensive.
“Hey, could you put on some Flogging Molly?”
This is a Dropkick Murphys bar. Now get the fuck out.
