Retirement can be an exciting moment for coworkers, friends, or family, but it’s also a time filled with anxieties about what the future holds. Here are some common pitfalls to avoid when talking to an acquaintance about their upcoming retirement.
“So when’s the funeral?”
While this person has exhausted their usefulness to the world, you have to at least pretend they are still important for the next decade.
“You know what’s really relaxing and interesting? Bird-watching.”
This person already wasted their life working as an IT consultant. Don’t push them into wasting their retirement, too.
“I invested your entire portfolio in Toys ‘R’ Us.”
This was in 2014, too, when the writing was on the wall.
“While there are still a few great modern dramas going right now, the golden age of TV passed almost five years ago.”
What the fuck else are they supposed to do with their time?
“You have three days to live.”
Sometimes it’s better to just say nothing at all and let them enjoy their last 72 hours in blissful ignorance.
“The stock market is going to crash on Thursday.”
It would have been nice to clue them in to the upcoming disappearance of their savings before they put in their two weeks’ notice.
“How do you plan to spiral into the confusion and weakness that quickly afflicts those without purpose?”
It’s not polite to ask such a loaded question.
“That slice of celebratory retirement cake you just ate? Yeah, it was poisoned. No one leaves this place. Enjoy hell, asshole.”
They’ll find out soon enough. No need to rub it in.
“Thirty mil. Easy smash-and-grab heist job. You used to be the best in the business. Just tell me: Are you back or not?”
Come on, you’re torturing them. They’ve got a wife and kids now. That was all behind them. Still, it does sound intriguing. Atlantic City, you said?
“You’re out of this place and onto the good life! I’m so jealous! I’m going to track you down and cut your throat and eat your body to absorb all the good ol’ relaxation, and then I’ll bury your body underground and take your place sipping cocktails and getting in some well-deserved R & R poolside! Don’t forget to stay in touch!”
Oof. Common mistake. Don’t say this!
“You don’t even look that old or financially stable!”
Sometimes an intended compliment can come off as anything but.
“Dibs on your wife.”
Sure, Tracy will quickly get tired of having him all the time, but you can easily woo her on the sly.
“Couldn’t spring for any balloons, huh?”
There’s already a “Happy Retirement” banner and a cake. What more could you want?
“We found a talented young Black woman to take your job.”
The world becoming unrecognizable to our elderly is hard enough as it is without you twisting the knife on their way out.
“It was me all those years moving your office wall in a quarter inch every month so you didn’t notice, until one day you couldn’t even get the door open and were stuck there for five hours before the firefighters broke you out.”
Way to ruin it.
“Now you can spend more time with your grandkids!”
Do not remind a new retiree that they have nothing to look forward to.
“Which nursing home are you going to die in?”
Most people who have just retired are still figuring out which facility they’d like to wither away in.
“You thought you could leave the Dacastello family? No one leaves this fucking family. Taste lead, you filthy piece of shit.”
The bullet to the head will say enough. No need to be too on-the-nose about it.
“Wait, aren’t you
Thirty-five-year-olds can be wealthy, too.
