While publications like Cosmopolitan might seem like infallible sources of coital knowledge, the truth is, many of the tips they give are downright disgusting, dangerous, and wrong. The following are some of the worst pieces of sex advice ever published in women’s magazines.
Use A Yellow Highlighter To Help Him Find Your Clit
In reality, a vibrant neon green will stand out more against your body than yellow.
Make Him Guess What Object You Hid In Your Vagina Using Only His Penis
Despite what these magazines may have led you to believe, men will always guess its dice no matter what.
Lure Him Into Bed With A Big, Juicy Raw Steak
Red meat has a serious environmental impact and produces 10 to 20 times as much carbon as vegetarian alternatives.
Imagine Your Partner Is Richard Kind
Many woman reported this tip resulted in orgasms so intense they briefly lost their sense of sight and smell.
Play A Sexy Playlist Of Sonic Waves That Causes Havana Syndrome
If you’re not having sex with a U.S. ambassador, don’t bother with this useless tip.
Tease Your Lover By Fondling His Gills Until His Cloaca Erupts
This was a paid tie-in to the 2017 Academy Award–winning film The Shape Of Water and should be attempted by no one.
Glue His Balls To Your Breasts With A Hot Glue Gun And Pull Him Around The Bedroom
This may feel great, but it’s going to involve a lot of cleanup.
Find The Right Spot, Line Yourself Up, Signal, Turn The Wheel Until Your Front Hood Is At A 45-Degree Angle, And Reverse
As sexy as this sounds, ultimately it is just directions for parallel parking.
Burn Him. Have Him Burn You. Or Burn Yourself, Just Somebody Burn Somebody!
From an issue of Cosmopolitan that they accidentally let a convicted pyromaniac guest edit.
Massage His Glorbus
His what?
Your Nipples Should Glow Green When You’re Cumming
In reality, it’s really more of a turquoise.
Try Spicing Things Up By Dressing Up As Your Partner’s Favorite Ex
Whether he loves it or hates it, there’s no way this doesn’t backfire.
Do Stuff With Your Hands
Hands are to be used exclusively for tilling the land.
Every Position But Reverse Cowgirl Automatically Gives You Herpes
Not only is this factually inaccurate, but it’s terrifying for women who are insecure about their ass.
You Should Go To The Emergency Room If You Have An Orgasm
Telling women they have 20 minutes to live after climaxing isn’t exactly sex positivity.
Have Sex In New And Exciting Locations
Four minutes of missionary in the kitchen is still four minutes of missionary.
Hand Jobs
Grow up.
