Don’t start your marriage off on the wrong foot by destroying your already-pathetic internet presence. If you’re announcing your engagement on Instagram, avoid these captions at all costs.
“Engaged! We’re Just Like O.
Although not technically wrong, this doesn’t spell out a great, everlasting love.
“I asked her to marry someone, and she said me!”
Run your proposal by a trusted friend first to make sure you get the words right.
“Can’t wait to divorce this nerd in two
While honest, it raises a lot of questions about the expendable income you must have to plan a wedding and divorce at the same time.
“Cheap Women’s Sunglasses, Buy Quality Apparel Accessories Directly from Suppliers Oversized Sunglasses Women Instagram’s Sun Glasses UV400 Buy Designer Women’s Frames Wholesale Retail”
Even if this means something special to you and your new fiancé, your happy news will go unnoticed because everybody will assume your account has been hacked.
“I was hoping that I’d eventually marry Denzel Washington’s son, but this non-famous ugly guy will have to do.”
Do the decent thing and look up the name of Denzel Washington’s son.
“The Moonchild will be born of our unholy union!”
That’s a pregnancy announcement, you idiot.
“Chester A. Arthur was a more consequential president than many people think.”
An Instagram caption announcing your engagement should ideally say something about both Chester A. Arthur and your engagement.
“She said yes, possibly because I orchestrated a situation where it would have been unbelievably and horrifically awkward if she said no!”
The part after the comma is best left as subtext.
“Thought I’d be in a much better place at 35, but I guess I have to settle for this loser!”
You don’t need to say what everyone’s thinking.
“Finally, a future spouse with whom I can hijack a plane.”
It’s true that you can’t hijack alone, but you probably shouldn’t announce your intentions.
“Everything you own in the box to the left’.”
Those are the wrong Beyoncé lyrics.
“Meet the beautiful woman who’s learning in this very caption that
Things like your weapons charges need to be fully disclosed well before you go on Insta.
“Let’s just see how the first six months go.”
Not exactly inspiring confidence with this, or the hashtag #keepingoptionsopen.
“I’m asking her later, but I’m penciling her in for YESSSS!”
This is not an occasion for dumb assumptions about what’s going to happen at the beach five hours from now.
“Help! I’m in danger!”
No one likes a drama queen.
“You are soon going to have to spend a lot of money and time on us.”
Let’s assume everyone already knows that.
“After eight shitty years, this asshole finally worked up the balls to propose.”
Don’t make your life sound so perfect.
“Here we go again.”
Second engagements really aren’t worth bragging about.
