GENEVA—In what observers are calling an unprecedented opportunity for the international community to express its grievances against Iran’s controversial leader, dozens of world leaders and key U.N. delegates gathered Saturday to roast Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
The event, which took place beneath U.N. headquarters in the historic Geneva Friars Club, brought together the heads of every G8 member state, as well as some of today’s top foreign policy makers and peace brokers. Roastmaster and former U.N. secretary general Kofi Annan kicked off the evening by welcoming President Ahmadinejad to “what [was] sure to be the first and last time Mahmoud would ever be surrounded by 72 virgins.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, and Tony Blair, we stand here in the presence of one of the most vicious and destructive forces in the world today—but enough about Bea Arthur,” said Annan, gesturing with a tumbler of Makers Mark across the long white tables of chuckling diplomats to the former Golden Girls star. “Some people here tonight will tell you that Mahmoud refuses to engage in diplomatic talks, that he is the most ruthless stonewaller who has ever lived. Well, those people have obviously never met my first wife.”
The black-tie affair brought together representatives from warring nations and longtime enemies who sat in the hallowed, oak-walled dining room and patiently awaited their turn to lambaste Ahmadinejad. Some of the evening’s most pressing topics included the Iranian president’s insistence on developing a nuclear program, his possible involvement in the 1989 assassination of an exiled Kurdish leader, and his excessive body hair.
“You know, a lot of folks have been criticizing Ahmadinejad for covering up one of the most horrifying and unspeakable crimes ever perpetrated on humankind,” Russian president Vladimir Putin told the assembled guests. “But don’t you listen to them, Mahmoud. I happen to like your beard.”
Ahmadinejad, seated in a plush red armchair just to the right of the podium, seemed in high spirits as he calmly endured countless ribs from his allies and fellow arms-race competitors. Rolling his eyes and shaking his finger in mock disapproval, he was taken to task for everything from his brutal treatment of political dissidents to his recent visit to Columbia University.
“Mahmoud—now this is true—said that there are no homosexuals in Iran,” roaster and Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf said, “and I for one believe him. After all, if a cock-hound like Mammers can’t find a single puckered asshole in all of Persia to slap his balls against, then what’s the use of any of us trying?”
Musharraf went on to update the group on the status of Ahmadinejad’s mouth, opening the floor to debate on whether or not it has sheltered a greater number of fundamentalist Muslim dicks than the Sudan.
Also speaking at the event were Syrian president Bashar al-Assad, Japanese prime minister Yasuo Fukuda, and longtime foreign policy adviser and roast favorite Henry Kissinger, who spent the majority of his speech making sexual overtures to French president Nicolas Sarkozy’s bride, model Carla Bruni. Although Bruni was seated in the audience, Kissinger politely offered her a seat on his face so he could get a better look at the only place a French leader has successfully invaded since Lombardy.
But a surprise visit from Israeli president Shimon Peres may have been the most popular act of the evening.
“On the way here tonight, someone told me that Mahmoud was a Shi’a,” said Peres, placing one hand on Ahmadinejad’s shoulder. “At first I thought they were saying ’He’s a shit,’ because the two sound so similar. But there’s a big difference: One’s a brown, foul-smelling tube of solid waste—and the other comes out of my asshole.”
Peres then addressed Ahmadinejad’s well-known denial of the Holocaust and his recent statements that Israel and all Jewish people should be “wiped off the map.” Taking a long pull from his cigar and adjusting his shirt cuffs, Peres concluded that, in all likelihood, the president of Iran has fucked more Jews than Sarah Silverman.
Next up was President George W. Bush, who began his remarks by pulling a small piece of what he claimed was plutonium from behind Ahmadinejad’s ear. Bush then told him that this was only the first of two bombings he would witness an American president perform this year.
“What the hell is with that last name, anyway?” Bush said. “Ahmadinejad? Ahmendinifragelisticexpialidocious? I can’t even pronounce it, let alone write it on a top-secret Black Ops memo.”
As the night drew to a close, Ahmadinejad took the podium and thanked the many world leaders who came together to honor him.
“It warms my heart to see all of you here tonight,” Ahmadinejad said to boisterous applause. “I know some of you have been worried that I may be developing a nuclear program to use against you, but I would like to take this opportunity to assure everyone that its sole, peaceful purpose is to provide the Iranian people with energy.”
Added Ahmadinijad, “We’re gonna need all the electricity we can get when we nuke you fuckers back into the Stone Age, you blood-sucking infidels. Good night, everybody!”
