The Tesla and SpaceX CEO has frequently stated that smart people need to procreate. The Onion asked women to explain why the hell they would want to have Elon Musk’s babies, and this is what they said.
Susie Willoughby, Software Engineer
“Court-ordered child support is the only way his employees get paid.”
Isabelle Sanchez, Park Ranger
“I wasn’t loved enough as a child, so that causes me to be attracted to and seek validation from narcissistic psychopaths.”
Ellen Kilgore, Unemployed
“So I can say I aborted Elon Musk’s kids.”
Nina French, Cashier
“For the same reason as Elon: to perpetuate the white race.”
Rochelle Myers, Beverage Consultant
“I want a kid who looks like a Cybertruck.”
Kylie Miller, Child Psychologist
“What I specifically said was ‘I want to take Elon Musk’s children away from him.’”
Emily Salkin, Attorney
“I’ve always wanted a child with luscious black hair plugs.”
Nyla Wright, Ad Executive
“Bet I could get a free Tesla out of it.”
Zoey The Monkey, Neuralink Test Subject
“It’s the only way he’ll let me go free.”
Allison Spurgeon, Yoga Teacher
“It’s sort of my dream to collect a baby from every billionaire.”
Eileen Peng, Grant Writer
“There’s a lot of societal pressure to have Elon Musk’s kids.”
Woman McLadyFemale, Twitter Bot
“I LOVE Mr. Elon Musk, he is so SEXY and AMAZING! Check out my website bit.ly/sz43423ia/2212/fgg.”
Azealia Banks, Artist
“Because every baby I have with him will dilute the fortunes of Grimes’ kids.”
Patricia Smith, Endocrinologist
“I want my kids to have claim to the Martian throne after the colony is established.”
Yvonne White, Project Manager
“You have to have someone’s babies. It’s the law.”
Samantha Davis, Teacher
“I want him to stop calling me his ‘potential vessel’ and just call me his ‘vessel.’”
Dolly Parton, Singer-Songwriter And Philanthropist
“I’m 77 years old. It’s now or never.”
Nadia Gessen, Web Developer
“I won a work raffle, and the prize was his twins.”
Becca Radisky, Orthodontist
“I’m quite confident that our child will grow up to be the false prophet who will finally bring about the apocalypse foretold in the Book of Revelation.”
Emily Wheaton, Dental Hygienist
“We can’t let Nick Cannon win.”
Amelia Scoones, Tesla Executive
“He promised me $50 if I had his child. Fifty dollars—can you imagine the kind of things you could do with that money?”
Dana Wallen, HR Manager
“He bought the sperm bank and now it’s all they’re allowed to carry.”
