Woman Upset At Herself For Feeling Hungry

MODESTO, CA—Telling friends that she “just ate a huge thing of yogurt four hours ago,” local woman Vanessa Stroud chided herself Tuesday for feeling hunger, a natural urge experienced by all living creatures to ensure they consume the sustenance necessary to maintain metabolic processes and other vital biological functions. “God, I have no willpower at all,” Stroud said regarding her inability to go without nourishment of any kind until the start of bikini season. “It’s just my stupid brain telling me I need to eat when what I really need is another three-day cleanse.” Stroud was later seen swatting her own hand as it reached out for a blueberry muffin.