The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate:
Winners
Ted Cruz: Emitted his policies toward the audience at an impressive 105 dB
Chris Christie: Found a good, firm grip on his podium that he really liked
Lindsey Graham: Home from early debate in time for American Pickers marathon
Mike Huckabee: Won over audience with stirring, heartfelt story about everyday presidential candidates struggling to evade basic questions
Debate Moderators: Somehow able to get under the skin of notoriously calm, reasonable group of GOP candidates
Podiums: Remain the go-to structure for debates
Jeb Bush: Only has to endure a couple more weeks of this
Losers
Rand Paul: Sure to plunge in the polls after committing cardinal sin of fighting with the debate moderators
Carly Fiorina: Lost points with voters after vowing to reduce American economy to three jobs
Ben Carson: Failed to bring up his really cool Siamese twin separation thing even once
The Panglobal Liberal Consortium: Conspiring members of the elite, all-powerful underground society were forced to scramble out of their cherry-paneled boardroom into safe houses following several knowing remarks on the part of the GOP candidates
CNBC: Independent of the night’s proceedings, CNBC remains a terrible network
Working–Class Women: Forced to endure Carly Fiorina associating herself with them
Marco Rubio: Moved one step closer to becoming the national face of the Republican Party
