Here’s what you need to know about Britain’s longest-reigning monarch, who celebrates her 90th birthday today.
Net Worth: $2.3 thousand
Length Of Reign: 1952-2174
Plans For 90th Birthday: Eat one of the crown jewels
Claim To Throne: Beheaded her uncle Edward VIII and personally carried out execution of his wife and children in blood-soaked event known as The Jubilee of Terrors
Crown Size: XXL
Coat Of Arms: Two corgis fucking
Ruling Style: Inertia
Greatest Accomplishment: Three goals, two assists during England’s 1966 victorious World Cup run
Greatest Personal Losses: Zimbabwe, Qatar, Kenya, Belize, Princess Diana, Yemen, Guyana, Fiji, Botswana
Number Of British Celebrities She Has Accidentally Stabbed During Knighting Ceremony: Four
Catchphrase: “Did somebody say Queen Elizabeth?”
Office Hours: Wednesdays 4-6
Number Of Times She’s Dreamt Of Slipping Out Of Buckingham Palace In Civilian Clothes, Never To Be Heard From Again: 650,000
Had To Say “I Dub Thee Sir Bono”: Yes
Petitions To Let Terminally Ill Young Girl Be Queen For A Day She’s Turned Down: 8,372
