Whether it’s the crisp air, changing leaves, or seasonal beverages, autumn is popular with the Caucasian ladies. The Onion asked white women to explain why they love fall, and this is what they said.
Jillian Myers, Preschool Teacher
“Don’t go around asking questions you’re not prepared to learn the answer to. Someone might get hurt.”
Rachel Lipowski, Bookseller
“All the leaves on the ground are basically free salad.”
Jill Nailor, Customer Service Rep
“I love the first crisp day when I can wear 75 sweaters at once and roll down the street like a fat woolly wrecking ball.”
Ava Anderson, Marketing Manager
“Oh no, you’re not gonna get me! I enjoy all seasons equally, and I think they all deserve to be treated with respect.”
Kerry Covino, Event Planner
“The start of fantasy football makes it much easier to cheat on my husband.”
Bonnie McFeely, Corn Maze Proprietor
“You can charge a bunch of Range Rover–driving dumbasses $30 a pop to wander around your yard.”
Lauren Pena, Publicist
“It’s easier to find worms. The rain brings them closer to the surface.”
Jennifer Clarke, Makeup Artist
“The same reason every white woman loves it: October is Chubby Checker’s birthday month!”
Liz Besterman, Candy Corn Heiress
“No reason in particular.”
Kayley Duca, Influencer
“The hat brims become smaller, and I topple over less as a result.”
Patricia Webster, Grocery Store Clerk
“Sept. 21 is the day that Chinese emperor Hong Taiji died.”
Jennifer Siebert, Yoga Instructor
“The beautiful autumn trees mean it’s almost winter, which means holidays, which means chubbers, which means cha-ching.”
Nancy Archibald, Physician
“Fall is the time of year when the raven returns to me and tells me of the future.”
Annie Harrington, Talent Buyer
“Because my birthday is in May!”
Mel Darden, Reiki Practitioner
“The leaves cover it up when I do my business on my neighbor’s lawn.”
Harper Wisham, Lawyer
“What’s not to love? There are pumpkins, fallen leaves, hayrides, apple cider, bugs, glass, magnets, purple, cactus, pennies, ranch, circus, octagon, and who can forget goo!”
Margaret Underwood, Pastry Chef
“The CEO of Starbucks said he’d slit my throat if I said I didn’t like it.”
Casey Isbell, Dietitian
“The soups! Chicken noodle. Noodle with chicken. Gazpacho. Cream of. Menthol. Little bits of wet tarp. Kimchi and fishing nets. Bad soup. Lima bean disgrace. Porcupine and loose women. Nylon and old peas. My mother sipping soup until she dies. Tortilla express. Three bean.”
Abby Jessup, Cosmetologist
“My ancestors came to this country because they were persecuted in their homeland for their love of chilly weather and warm spices.”
Liz Addley, Consultant
“When the leaves fall off the trees, it makes me finally look prettier than them.”
Audrey Padden, Digital Designer
“It’s maybe the one thing I like that I didn’t appropriate from Black women.”
Fiona Kelley, Scarecrow
“I’m a scarecrow.”
Bridget Campbell, Graphic Artist
“I love spending $60 on things that are orange.”
Sophia Bennet, Software Engineer
“You’re expecting me to say something about a pumpkin spice latte, right? Well, you know what? My husband just died in a horrifying car accident, so excuse me if I let myself enjoy a fucking pumpkin spice latte so for a second I don’t think about my dead husband’s mangled body!”
Olivia Reynolds, Graphic Designer
“I love seeing all my Jewish friends celebrate their holiday, Halloween.”
