With organizations facing backlash for attempting to promote equality and inclusion in the workplace, The Onion asked white people to explain why diversity initiatives are discriminatory, and this is what they said.
Heather Smithe, Hiring Manager
“Speak English!”
Bryce Dailey, Account Manager
“They give people of color a misleading idea of how supported they’ll actually be once they’re hired.”
Lance Upton, Data Analyst
“I worked hard all my life to be white. I’m not just letting some young minority come in and steal my race.”
Melinda Park, Senior VP
“They’re actually helpful because they let me know whom to fire first.”
Tim Smith, Fashion Blogger
“I just feel that if someone is able to succeed in the workplace, then it should be based not on the color of their skin, but rather on their abilities and whether their ancestors can be traced back to the Caucasus region.”
Victor Ridgwell, Consultant
“Diversity initiatives make diversity too woke.”
Lori Sommer, Sales Associate
“They’re acting like anyone can walk in off the street and do this job. By the way, we just put a help wanted sign in the window, so if you know anyone looking, please tell them to come in.”
Richard Bell, Accountant
“Because it discriminates against people who only want to sexually harass white people.”
Harry Lambert, Food Photographer
“Look, I’m all for equality, but when I take one of my patented photographs of babies dressed up as food for my calendars, it doesn’t make sense to have a nonwhite baby dressed up as a cauliflower. It just doesn’t. Why? Just put one second of thought into it. Use your fucking brain. Do you want a high-quality calendar of adorable babies dressed up as food or not?”
Griffin Turley, Chemist
“I don’t know, man. I just want whites to rule over other races absolutely, that’s all.”
Diana Slater, Hairdresser
“Diversity used to be a bad thing, and now it’s good? It’s like the whole world’s gone mad.”
Kim Spitzwell, Dance Instructor
“Diversity initiatives? What…you mean like making minorities jump into big industrial vats of white paint just so they look Caucasian? That seems pretty racist to me.”
Bradley Lewis, IT Director
“Diversity initiatives discriminate against my right to live in a white ethnostate.”
Noah Gordon, Unemployed
“Every time I get online to search for a job, the only positions I can find are for Black Guy—Assistant Black Guy, Senior Black Guy, Executive Black Guy. It’s just not fair.”
Ron DeSantis, Governor
“In 2002, Disney rejected my application to be Jasmine in favor of Middle Eastern woman, and I’ve been on the warpath ever since.”
Mike Drews, Physical Trainer
“True equality is whatever is the most convenient for me.”
Lyle Jones, Parking Attendant
“It starts with these diversity initiatives, then they’re going to say they want to desegregate buses and schools all of a sudden.”
Conrad Scott, High School Teacher
“You kind of need a white person teaching history so you know it won’t be biased.”
Corrie Burke, UX Designer
“So what, I’m not allowed to be white anymore? You’re telling me just to get a job, I have to put on blackface and start doing an accent? Fine, I’ll do it, but I’ll only enjoy it a little bit.”
Tyler Martin, Electrical Engineer
“I just think the job should go to the most qualified white person.”
Fran Higgins, Ph.D. Candidate
“It’s discriminatory to distinguish between any races at all. The only fair thing to do is shut our eyes tight and treat all of humanity as the same writhing mass of flesh.”
