White Ally Willing To Do Whatever It Takes To Make Sure People Won’t Be Mad At Him

CHICAGO—Vowing to learn from the Black Lives Matter movement and finally take a stand on the racial issues that have bothered him for years, white ally Will Novak announced Thursday that he was willing to do whatever it takes to make sure people would not get mad at him. “I know racism is a problem in this country, so I have to stop standing on the sidelines and be an active participant in ensuring people don’t yell at me or think I’m a bad person,” said Novak, who pledged to donate money to any organization and walk in any march if it would ensure all the black, Hispanic, Asian, and LQBTQ people in his life think highly of him and will not judge him in any way. “It pains me to think there are these people suffering racial oppression out there who might say something challenging or unflattering to my face. I’ll fight with every ounce of my being to avoid that. Just give me a list of people to vote for, I won’t ask any questions, just please, please don’t yell at me.” Novak added that he would be willing to put his life on the line if just one person from a marginalized group uttered, “You’re one of the good ones,” to him.