Coronavirus
Trump: Wait, didn’t you hear? The vaccine came out and everyone got cured months ago.
Biden: Along with an aneurysm and heart disease, Biden believes Covid-19 is one of the top threats to him still being alive by Election Day.
undefined
Trump: Consistent in appointing judges who rule cases based on the Constitution’s original intent of keeping white men in power.
Biden: Has to admit, he’s in a real pickle on this one.
undefined
Trump: Believes the U.S. should stop turning a blind eye to the heart-wrenching plight of Saudi monarchs, Chinese party leaders, and Russian oligarchs.
Biden: People deserve to get a fair shake in this world or something.
undefined
Trump: You’re really stupid, you know that? You really are. What kind of question is that? Asking what someone thinks about education…here’s an answer: You’re an idiot, frankly.
Biden: Proposes ending all kindergarten programs and making American children get street smart by growing up in the rough-and-tumble working class neighborhoods of Scranton.
undefined
Biden: Firmly believes the U.S. should be a society that encourages second chances when it comes to the bills they voted on in 1994.
Trump: Compassionately commuted the life sentence of Alice Marie Johnson in 2018, the only nonviolent drug offender in the entire U.S. prison system.
undefined
Trump: Signed executive order that banned all Muslims from bringing their radicalizing message of peace to the United States.
Biden: Passionately believes all Americans deserve opportunity to go back to ignoring this.
undefined
Trump: Supports tax cuts for the rich as long as they promise to do something really tremendous with the money, like make a helicopter than can go underwater.
Biden: Proposed a 30% increase in promises to tax wealthy Americans.
undefined
Trump: Catastrophic freefall.
Biden: Pragmatic, solutions-oriented freefall.
undefined
Biden: Supports affordable access to enrollment in economy for most qualified applicants.
Trump: Has overseen the most devastating economic crash in decades, although this has luckily only affected the bottom 98% of Americans.
undefined
Biden: Return to U.S. to role as the globe’s most widely feared unaccountable military superpower.
Trump: Bring troops home from overseas bases to combat growing threat of Americans.
undefined
Biden: Finally got around to flipping through the Obamacare proposal and doesn’t understand a word.
Trump: Life is struggle and toil, devoid of meaning. Each one is but a faint, brief whimper in an endless sea of chaos. Nothing we do can save us from this essential truth of existence. No number of extra years will stop the winds of time from eroding and erasing the indistinguishable marks we try in vain to leave. We should embrace death as the only truly purposeful act of our entire time here, the only thing we do which will last forever.
