With gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis sharply on the rise in the United States, it’s more important than ever to be prepared. If you’ve given your partner an STI, here’s what you should say.
“Remember how you said I never surprise you?”
They said they wanted more spontaneous gifts, didn’t they?
“How about we have the antibiotics ceftriaxone and azithromycin for dinner?”
You don’t even have to say you gave them gonorrhea if they just blindly take the treatment.
“Here is a list of all the diseases I didn’t give you.”
This will really help them put things in perspective.
“In some cultures, giving someone an STD is a sign of respect.”
They’ll be too upset to fact check this.
“Oh my God, it’s just herpes. Quit being such a nerd.”
Unless you’re an absolute virgin loser, you’re getting herpes.
“I swear I didn’t mean for you to ever find out.”
You shouldn’t be punished just because they asked too many questions.
“I’ve diseased you through sex.”
They’ll appreciate that you’ve avoided all the medical jargon.
“Do you mind venmoing me for that soda?”
Antibiotic-resistant chlamydia or not, they still owe you $2.49.
“You deserve this for having sex with someone as disgusting as me.”
They knew what they were getting into.
“You better hurry to Planned Parenthood for treatment before it’s shut down or bombed.”
It’s courteous to remind them that their healthcare options are under constant threat.
“I had a lot of fun.”
Remind them that the excruciating pain and itchiness they’re experiencing was for a good cause.
“Man, between the acceleration of climate change and the possibility of Russia starting a nuclear war, syphilis probably wouldn’t even seem like a big deal, huh?”
In its proper context, it really isn’t that bad.
“Listen, baby, that’s just the price of sleeping with the Blaze Man.”
Your girl knew if she tangoed with the Blaze, she was bound to get burned.
“Only 25 or so Americans die from syphilis each year, so it’s kind of cool if you don’t survive.”
They have to appreciate being part of such an elite statistical phenomenon.
“The greatness of humanity is not in being human, but in being humane.”
Most of Gandhi’s famous quotes were actually lines he told his lovers after giving them STDs.
“I can recommend to you a really bad clinic and some shitty doctors.”
They’ll appreciate your help starting them on their journey toward terrible medical care.
“Just to reiterate, I have an STD because of all the mind-blowing sex I have.”
In the stress of the moment, don’t forget to place emphasis on the fact that you’ve been having tons of incredible sex lately.
“We’re twinsies!”
Same clinic bills and all!
