With the resurgence of the novel coronavirus, the thought of boarding a plane, bus, or train can be quite daunting. Here’s what to say if you’re not comfortable traveling during the Covid-19 pandemic.
“I look forward to seeing you if our civilization endures.”
Assure them that it’s not personal and that you’ll jump on a plane in the event the virus doesn’t end everything.
“I’ve already made plans to have Covid-19 then.”
This is an unassailable excuse, and it’s up to you whether or not to follow up by actually contracting the disease.
“If I didn’t give you guys Covid last year, I don’t see the point in trying again.”
You gave it your best, but some things just aren’t meant to be.
“I’m on the no-fly list because of my acts of terrorism.”
That’ll do it.
“Sorry, I’m buried alive.”
Explain that the decision isn’t yours and that you’re packed in dirt at the bottom of a pit with about an hour of air left.
“Can’t we just hate each other and become estranged like a normal family?”
If only it were that easy.
“The risks of traveling are relatively small, but you’re still not worth it.”
You’re vaccinated, boosted, and in good health to begin with, but any risk is too much for these people.
“You’re welcome to have your wedding at my place.”
Explain to the couple that you’d be happy to host their nuptials in your studio apartment if they disinvite 150 guests.
“Dr. Fauci warned me about this in a dream.”
When the nation’s top infectious disease expert appears to you in a vision, you listen.
“I’m not comfortable removing my mask to siphon gas for my car.”
It’s an airborne pandemic, so putting your lips to a dirty plastic hose is a big risk.
“My pack mule hasn’t had its booster shot yet.”
Better not risk it.
“I’ve always been a neurotic person. One time 800,000 kids drowned at the beach by my house, and I didn’t go in the water all summer.”
At least you can admit your hang-ups.
“While there is a low percentage chance I’ll die of Covid-19, there is a 0% chance I’ll enjoy Scottsdale.”
Numbers don’t lie.
“Please enjoy this photograph of a dog wearing a hat.”
Oh hell yes, everyone loves that.
“I’ll travel next pandemic.”
Just procrastinate until the next crippling global health emergency.
“Sorry, I can’t understand you through your mask.”
Now imagine a whole trip like that.
“Same deal as 2020.”
Fortunately, the pandemic has lingered so long that you can just refer people to whatever you said last year.
“I’m not comfortable traveling during Covid-19.”
You know what, never mind, tell them your dog died.
